In honor of Big Brother Canada Season 3 Premiere on Monday, March 23, I have decided to add a new chapter to my ongoing, Big Brother Inspired Little Big Play Cousin Saga! If you have already read the first six chapters, scroll on down and get started on Chapter 7. Thanks for reading!
Or, read the whole thing here: Little Big Play Cousin – A Big Brother Inspired Ongoing Saga.
“Welcome to the first Veto of Doom Ceremony,” I say sternly. I stand, in front of all of my fellow competitors, with a grim look on my face. I had managed to pull my tightly coiled hair back into as neat of a ponytail as I could muster; the Veto of Doom Crown rests on top. I am also sporting black-rimmed glasses that I am almost sure makes me look somewhat more intelligent than I actually am. With my brain-damaged brain, and hits after hits to the noggin, every little bit helps. I need everyone to know that today, I mean business!
“Bill, Casey, as the holder of the Veto of Doom Crown, I may bestow upon one of you immunity from the Little Big Play Cousin Gallows this week. Can each of you tell me why I should grant you the Veto of Doom Crown starting with you, Bill?”
So far things are going much better than the nomination ceremony. Maybe, I am getting the hang of this!
Bill stands up and clears his throat. “You already know what to do, so do it” he says and sits back down.
I glare, stopping myself mid-eye roll I look at Casey. “And, you, Casey?”
Casey stands up, fire in her eyes. Uh oh. “Listen,” she starts, “I really do not know why you put me on the block in the first place. Everyone knows how hard it is for girls to get ahead in this game and you, a supposed woman, decided to put me up on the block the first week against a guy that everyone in the house loves! I mean, this is 2015! Why are we women still one another’s biggest enemies?”
Casey was pointing her finger at me through the fiery glares but, suddenly, she winks. Is she just putting on a show, or what? I am so confused, now! And, my heart will not stop thudding about in my chest. If I had pearls, I would be clutching them. She is ruining everything!
“There is a cold place in hell for women who do not support other women!” Casey finishes with a flare. She turns on her heels and sits down.
Huh? Wouldn’t a cold place in hell be a good thing?
Last night, I had been so sure of what I would do today, but thanks to Casey, I now look like a traitor to vaginas the world over! How can I properly blow up my alliance with Maisy & Co., and get her up on the block, without looking like a Vaginal Defector… or whatever?
Momentarily forgetting myself, I slam myself in the forehead with the palm of my hand, knocking my crown askew. I grunt. Of course, laughter, from my fellow houseguests, follows.
“Oh my gawd, she is so fucking weird!” Of course, that’s Maisy.
I growl under my breath.
“Bro, you have to eat more,” Linkin whispers, not so covertly.
Fuck this shit!!!
I take the crown off of my head.
Maisy leans forward, her eyes lighting up.
“Casey, Bill, I thank you both for your impassioned pleas to remain the game.” I begin. “Casey you have made a great argument, thus I have decided that I will be bestowing the Veto of Doom Crown to you.”
I feel a flash of heat from Maisy’s direction. Oh, here go, hell come. I ignore the fear clawing at my soul and continue. “Casey, please stand up and kneel before me on the Sacred Red Velvet Kneeling Platform of Redemption so that I may pass this powerful crown on to you.”
Casey does as she is told, beaming the whole way. My hands shake as I place the crown onto her head. “Please, now take a seat with the others,” I say, sweeping my arm stiffly to the left. “But take your time,” I say under my breath, as Casey gleefully bounces to an empty seat.
I gulp. Here comes the hard part. I get a little dizzy. “I will not fall, I will not fall, I will NOT fall!” I chant inwardly. I clear my throat.
“Now that I have bestowed the Veto of Doom Crown to Casey, as the Head Houseguest in Charge, I must now name a replacement.” I look over at Linkin. He looks back and gives me two enthusiastic thumbs up. “I am sorry Linkin,” Casey gasps, but I ignore her. I am getting good at this ignoring thing! I continue, “but I must name you as the replacement nominee. This is not personal, but what I feel is best for my game.” I nod, seriously.
Linkin does not budge. He remains seated, with a smile on his face.
I wait a few more seconds and say, “Linkin, please take your seat on the chopping block.”
Linkin laughs and says, “Bro!” Sitting back, he crosses his leg.
What the fuck? You cannot just ignore my orders. I am HHIC!!!
I look around for help. Everyone is just fucking watching… Like this is some kind of spectacle to be enjoyed with popcorn and a fucking soda, or something. This is not a movie, damnit!!! How does one dare to defy me??? OFF WITH HIS HEAD!
I whimper and sigh. What am I even doing, here??? I scan the room. My eyes land on a guy named Tim.
Tim is a nice guy from a small town down south, just like me. He is a quiet little red-headed guy who sticks to himself, more often than not. A kind, gentle soul, Tim spends his spare time finding shelter for abused and abandoned animals and once even saved a little girl from drowning! He also makes sure to donate, like, buckets and buckets of his own blood to the Red Cross every month. To top off his list of saintliness, he offered me the last slice of bread for breakfast this morning. The most important thing to know about Tim, however, is that he is not in any of my alliances.
“Tim,” I say, slowly. He gasps and his face turns red, matching his hair. I wince. “I am SO sorry. I think… I think I must have gotten you confused with Linkin,” I say lamely.
Maisy snorts, but I have her on ignore, so…
“These glasses are new,” I say to Tim, even more lamely. “I-I am sorry, but I must name you as the replacement nominee. This is not personal, but what I feel is best for my game,” I finish off, the lamest of all.
Tim sits there confused. He does not budge.
Oh-fucking-great! I hope he is not thinking that he will just do what Linkin did and get out of this! “GET UP, TIM!” I snap at him, more out of panic than anger.
The poor boy jumps up, startled. He zips over to the vacant seat on the block and sits down with a defeated thud.
Phew! I take a moment to compose myself. The relief I feel is nearing orgasmic. I smile.
“And this concludes the Veto of Doom Ceremony,” I bow and exit stage left.
“Bro, do you remember when Sherra pretended like she was going to put me on the block? That was wild, bro!” Linkin was asking Casey. Casey chuckles. She knows that I was not pretending, but there did not seem to be much point in letting Linkin in on that tidbit of information.
I sit on the floor, in my HHIC room, massaging my temples. It had only been like 28,000 seconds since I had “pretended” that I was going to put Linkin up on the chopping block, but I am coming to realize that Linkin has his own way of telling time. 28,000 seconds might as well be 28,000 weeks. Ugh.
A soft knock sounds against my door. I fall over on the floor and fight back the tears. “No, no, no, no, no,no!” I say under my breath. I am breaking.
“Come in, Bro!” You know who, yells.
The door opens slowly, and closes softly.
I do not want to know who it is. I do not want to know what they want. I just want to sink into the ground, never to have existed.
“Hi,” a soft male voice says.
I whimper. It is Tim.
“I do not mean to bother you, I just have a question.”
I ignore him. I am good at ignoring people, now, right?
“Hi, Sherra?” He says, after a few moments. “Can we talk?”
I cry silently and sit up. “Can’t you see I was playing dead?” I wanted to ask. But instead I said, “Sure!”
“Should we leave?” Casey wants to know.
“No way, Bro. We are all in this together!” Linkin, again.
Looking at Linkin, I shake my head, plastering a look on my face that I hope properly conveys the question, ‘What the fuck, bro???’
“Um, okay,” Tim says nervously. He takes a deep breath and straightens his shoulders. “I just wanted to know if I had done something wrong. You said that me leaving was best for your game, and I mean… How is that? I gave you the last slice of bread and everything.”
“I do not want you to leave, you are just… the pawn,” I say flatly; lamely. I mean, what does he expect me to say? I really do want Bill to leave, it will cut into Wicked Maisy’s numbers, but the odds of that are pretty slim at this point. I sigh.
Tim points at Linkin, “but you had nominated him, first, why did you change it? I mean, I do not think we look very much alike, even with your glasses off.” Tim stands meekly at the door, his shoulders are slumped, now, and his feet are pressed closely together. He is even trembling slightly; probably not unlike a rescued puppy when it first arrives at his animal shelter. Oh geez, I am SO going to hell for this! Before I can say anything, Tim asks, “May I please sit down, Miss Sherra? My right leg has never been the same since I had to jump out of that burning tree that I rescued that pregnant cat from.” Yup, hell-bound, ‘tis I!
I nod, meekly.
Tim takes a seat on the couch.
“Listen, bro.” Linkin says. “It is nothing personal. I was NEVER going up on that block!” He stops and looks over at me, then at Casey; he gives us each a nod as if we had just silently agreed to something. This cannot be good. Before I can stop him, he says, “You should totally join our alliance bro, we will keep you safe, here in the fold of the alliance of the Soldiers of Fortitude.”
Tim brightens up, “Really? You guys can keep me safe, even though I am on the block, now?”
“Sure, we can! And, we can use a guy like you in our army, Tim. Welcome!” Casey says.
I sit, frozen. What is life?
This is not real. It is not real. This, what is happening right now, is not really happening.
What is really happening is that I am in a coma in the hospital back in Lula, Ga. My family and friends have gathered around to say their last goodbyes, and I am just waiting for my great granny from Texas to make her way to the hospital to say goodbye to her favorite great granddaughter; and then I will ascend to the heavens where there are lots of clouds, baby alpacas and guys who look like Daniel Sunjata awaiting me to answer to my every beck and call as I eat sushi every night and have mind blowing sex every morning. That is what is real. That is what is true. That is what is happening. That is life.
I smile and nod; at peace with the universe; Zen is real. “Yes, welcome to our alliance, Tim. I am sure you will make a great soldier.”