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Big Brother 16 Backyard Interviews: What SHOULD Be Asked!!

Being the fabulously generous individual that I am, I have taken it upon myself to assist  backyard interviewers with questions for this year’s Big Brother Top 6 contestants. I offer this only out of the kindness of my heart and I do not expect flowers, cards, or candy; I will simply allow you to get by with a mere show of undying appreciativeness and, of course, a shrine erected in my honor so that ALL may celebrate my awesomeness for generations to come!!

That was my Frankiana Grande impersonation. How did I do???

OK, even I cannot mime stuffing my head as far up my ass as he has his…

Up HIS ass, I mean!

…Not my ass…

Yea, so this just got all kinds of weird. We should move on… Yes?


Big Brother 16 Backyard Interviews:

What SHOULD Be Asked

C H I E F  W I G G U M

  1. How profusely do you think you should thank casting for giving you the most obtuse, clueless, Big Brother-dumb cast in the history of the game to play with?

  2. How does it feel knowing that the only reason your season is not widely regarded as “the worst ever” is because the season before yours had a house full of racists and bigots; and Andy?

  3. Do you think that you would have done as well in a house with more grownup, semi-intelligent, emotionally mature individuals who have the ability to think critically?

  4. Besides surrounding yourself with a bunch of 20-something year old lint-tasters, what would you say was the best part of your Big Brother strategy?

  5. Are you the type to dunk a basketball on a group of 10-year-olds, and then exclaim, “IN YO FACE!!” ???

  6. Do you think that the people who watch live feeds are as dumb as the people you spent the summer manipulating; and, that is why you felt so comfortable trying to deceive us? Be honest!

  7. Do you agree that you should refund live-feeders since you, almost single-handedly, killed the feeds for the summer? (You can use that Team America money… You know, since we voted you onto the team only for you to turn around and lie to us in return. You are welcome!)

  8. As a feedster, how is it that you do not know that we do not like it when people try to play up to and/or play us?

  9. Followup: Don’t you realize it is better to own up to your game versus creating the narrative that you want people to believe?

  10. Followup to the Followup: Is creating your own version of the truth something that you learned to do as a cop? Be honest!

  11. How many HOH’s did you throw knowing that you would not be on any of those ignoramuses radars; and did you secretly lolz about it when you were alone on the toilets?

  12. On a scale of 1-10, with 10 being so angry that you wish you could pull out your police-issued pepper spray and blast us all in the face, how mad are you that many feedsters don’t regard you as a true mastermind, or a Big Brother great, since your “competitors” sucked grande ass?

  13. Do you look forward to that day when your daughter grows up to hear “men” laughing about her having all of her “virginities” taken away (by multiple partners, including a robot) during drunken sex that may or may not be entirely consensual? Or… Is it only okay to laugh when it is about someone else’s child? (I mean it even made Crayleb uncomfortable…. CRAYLEB, of all people!!)

  14. Will you warn your daughter about men like you?

  15. Do you regard Veronica Victoria as a daughter or a young woman that you would screw as she was acting as your family’s nanny?

  16. On a scale of 1-10, with 10 being so scared that you would sooner return to undercover work, how afraid would you be to play the game with other actual Big Brother Masterminds – or, you know, a cast with more than 2 or 3 other people with both brains and knowledge of the game???

  17. Would you say that people in their early 20s are your favorite “target” since people more than a few years out of their teens are more likely to pick up on your bullshit? (ie, Donny)

  18. Speaking of which… Viewers hate you for turning on our Donny! (This is not a question.)

  19. How does it feel knowing that the most exciting game moves were made by fans yelling over the wall into the backyard?

  20. Followup: How often did you shit your pants when you heard, or heard about, fans yelling into the backyard?

  21. Will you help Veronica pay for the therapy that she, undoubtedly, will need after being made a fool of by you all summer?

  22. Why does it sound like you are talking through a fan?

 (Seriously, Derrick is probably one of the most boring puppeteers ever. Help me out with more questions and I will post them here with your name next to them!)


Screenshot-2014-06-27-02.49.562A R I A N A  G R A N D E’S  B R O T H E R

  1. How does it feel being the center of the universe?

  2. Have you ever been accused of being a sycophant? (a self-seeking, servile flatterer; fawning parasite.)

  3. Who is younger, you or your sister?

  4. Do you understand that your sister’s achievements are not your achievements?

  5. Since your sister seems to be at least 1/3 of your identity, should we just call you Frankiana?

  6. On a scale of 1-10, with 10 being so full of resentment that you wish that you could smother her with a pillow, how bitter are you about your sister’s success?

  7. Do you dress up as Ariana Grande for Halloween?

  8. Is Ariana’s favorite song to sing to you “Wind Beneath My Wings?” It must have been cold there in my shadow, to never have sunlight on your face…

  9. Would you agree that you and an eight year, precocious, attention-starved child have a lot in common?

  10. Has anyone ever taken the time to count all of your different personalities?

  11. On a scale of 1-10, with 10 being so lacking in self-awareness that you actually think that you can pass for someone a day under the age of 45 (let alone 28), how foreign is the concept of “reality” to you?

  12. How do you exactly define the word “Mogul?”

  13. Followup: Don’t you think that you should inform the Writers of Dictionaries that they have the definition of “Mogul” all wrong?

  14. Didn’t it just kill you to have to spend your entire summer surrounded by so many peasants, plebs and paupers in the Big Brother house? However did you survive?

  15. Followup: No, really… Are you dead? Because that might explain some things…

  16. At what point in your life were you a lesbian? You seem to know so much how a woman “becomes one…” Clearly you are some kind of expert, yes?

  17. On a scale of 1-10, with 10 being so self-involved that you think that every time it rains/sleets/snows it is because of you, how narcissistic are you?

  18. How many kittens and puppies did you kill, in your mind, upon hearing that we voted OVERWHELMINGLY not to give you $5000.00 for that piss-poor “play” that you put on?

  19. Have you ever heard of RuPaul? Seen Hairspray? The Birdcage? Mrs. Doubtfire? (RIP Robin Williams!) I am guessing that more than 10% of America has, as well!! You did not introduce men in drag to anybody – !!!!! G E T  –  O V E R  –  Y O U R S E L F !!!!!

  20. How did you manage to delude yourself into thinking that the public loved you after we OVERWHELMINGLY voted no for your dumb play?

  21. Followup: Did you really think that you had redeemed yourself after getting out Thirstine the Wicked Thirst-Bucket of the West?

  22. Do you understand that people, who have haters, still need lovers in order to succeed and that you are sorely lacking in the latter?

  23. Speaking of hate, how does it feel knowing that you are sooooo loathed that someone would want to hack your InstaGram account and delete it? (That has to be at least a few drops in your Almost Famous bucket, right?)

  24. Speaking of hate, how does it feel knowing that you brought aaaaall of your sister’s fans your fans to Big Brother only for many of them to stan for Zach over you?

  25. You are not a good person. (This is not a question.)

  26. Now that you see that Zach is a MAJOR Big Brother fan favorite, do you regret stabbing him in the back repeatedly?

  27. Followup: Did you you stab Zach in the back over and over again because that was the only kind of stabbing to his backside you will ever get to do?

  28. How do you plan to weasel your way back into Zach’s life so that you can drain the life from his soul and use his light to power you take advantage of his popularity?

  29. Does  it suck that, even with Zach, you are still just “Famous-Adjacent?” No, really… Does it suck?

  30. You do know that we realize that your mission to give money to children in Africa is more about you than them, right?

  31. In real life, do you just surround yourself with other vile, disgusting people and, as a result, you have no clue that you are as repulsive as you really are?

  32. On a scale of 1-10, with 10 being so fortuitous that you wish that you could kill off a member of your family every week to get more of it, how lucky were you that your grandfather died while you were in the Big Brother house, given that you got to use it as part of your game strategy?

  33. Did using your grandfather’s death, to garner sympathy from viewers and houseguests, chip away at the last remaining bits of your soul?

  34. Do you catch on fire anytime you get within 25 feet of a church?

  35. Donny got invited to guest star on the Bold and the Beautiful. Response?

  36. Have you ever been accused of being a sociopath?

  37. This would be my #1 question for aris bro- Did the trolls drop you off on your mom’s doorstep b/c you were just too ugly?


 OCPvQUWV E R O N I C A

  1. What is your name?

  2. Do you know that there are times that you stare off into the distance, without blinking, for what feels like hours at a time and it is scary?

  3. What prize do you win for being the last girl in the house?

  4. What would you say was the best part of your Big Brother strategy? What was your Big Brother strategy? How do you define the word “strategy,” in regards to the game of Big Brother? Never mind.

  5. Just how delusional do you have to be to believe that you have “played the game” when the only person you ever talked game with was Derrick, you only did what he told you to do and you never won a single-solitary competition on your own? Make us understand, please!

  6. Do you understand that, every time you brag about how great your “Big Brother Strategy” has been, an innocent person dies of laughter and you are now a serial killer?

  7. How is it that you did not become immune to the agony of defeat?

  8. How does it feel being dragged through each week based solely on what you could not do?

  9. It is hysterical that you are trying to attach yourself to The Hitman alliance when you had no clue it existed all game. (This is not a question.)

  10. Does it bother you that Amber has more fans than you given that she left week five and is “the fakest of them all?” Be honest!

  11. On a scale of 1-10, with 10 being so mad that you wish you could stare a hole straight through production’s head, how upset are you that, all of those times that you thought that you were slaying those DR sessions, the public rarely got to see any of them?

  12. How do you feel knowing that your biggest game move was slaying Zach’s hat?

  13. Followup: Would it bother you to know that TV-Only viewers know you only as the girl who slayed their fav’s hat and later passed out in a toilet?

  14. Do you understand that your hair does not look real and everyone knows that you are wearing a weave before you even say anything?

  15. How much does it suck that Cody stole your princess title from you and how do you plan to take it back?

  16. On a scale of 1-10, with 10 being too clingy to function normally in life, what would you rate yourself on the Cling-O-Meter?

  17. Were you confused when you realized that you were not actually on The Bachelor and Derrick would not be giving you a rose at the end of the summer?

  18. How do you feel knowing that you passed up on trying to win $5k, so that Derrick could win it, and all along he was making extra money with Team America tasks? Do you take comfort in knowing that you would have lost to him anyway?

  19.  Does it piss you off that you are going to have to spend all of the money you made over the summer on therapy to help you get over Derrick’s numerous betrayals?

  20. Do you look at Derrick as more of a father figure or someone’s husband that you would screw while acting as their nanny?

  21. Are you mad that Derrick had like 491 alliances and you did not know about any of them?

  22. Followup: Now that you know that Derrick was in 491 alliances, do you feel like he cheated on you 491 times?

  23. At what point did it become more important for Derrick to win Big Brother than you, and who do we credit for you growing up to be so stupid?

  24. Would you agree that you are suffering from some form of Stockholm Syndrome when it comes to your blind devotion to Chief Wiggum Derrick?

  25. Have you ever been catfished? I only ask because you seem like the type that could be snowed into sending your entire life savings to a “millionaire,” stuck in some remote part of Africa, who only needs you to help him get home so that you two can spend the rest of your life together in marital bliss. I mean… you would not do that, would you?

  26. Do you think it is a conspiracy that Big Brother did not have any competitions that played up to your standing-on-tippy-toes-to-stare-in-mirrors ability?

  27. On a scale of 1-10, with ten being so full of jealousy that you wish you could set their hair on fire, how jealous are you of Amber and Brittany?

  28. Do you really think it is normal to want to provoke someone into hitting you so that they will be kicked out of the house? (Oh… WAIT!! Is that your idea of a Big Brother strategic move? Because, if so…)

  29. Did you really think that Devin was going to get a knife and stab you to death? If so, why? Be honest!

  30. How hard does your family laugh when they tell you the story about that crow trying to carry you away when yous was only 2-years old?

  31. Followup: Is it okay if I call you Vicrowia?

  32. Should all cities with cracks in the sidewalk be worried when you visit given your inability to navigate your way through the streets without tripping over cracks?

  33. Followup: Who was that doctor who just blindly put a cast on your leg, without actually determining if your leg/ankle was actually broken or simply sprained? You owe it to people to warn them!

  34. When you stare blankly off into the distance, are you channeling yourself through a familiar, off in some distant land where being really good at nothing is a virtue and a wildly lauded skill?

  35. What is your name?


C R A Y L E B

  1. What does it feel like being the center of the universe?

  2. Has the weight of your ego given you any back problems?

  3. Are you upset that so many competitions required you to sacrifice so many brain cells?

  4. In your world, does “No” really mean “Yes?”

  5. Do you normally court women by clubbing them over the head and dragging them back to your cave?

  6. How much does it piss you off when women have the audacity to think for themselves?

  7. How many women have you possessed in your lifetime? Are they all still alive?

  8. Would you say that you know the ins and outs of a restraining order pretty well?

  9. On a scale of 1-10, with 10 being so mad that you wish you could bash her over the head with a brick, wrap her in an oriental rug and throw her into the ocean, how angry are you that Amber refuses to acknowledge that how she feels is irrelevant and BMC wanting to be with her is all that matters?

  10. Do you credit having stalker-brain for doing well in memory competitions?

  11. Do you collect trophies that are not mounted on your wall? If so, do you store them within the vents of an a/c unit?

  12. Is it often that you want to aggressively touch women someone in anger because they did not do what you wanted them to do?

  13. If I mouthed off to you right now, would you knock my teeth into my stomach?

  14. Do you understand that only insecure women will be willing to date you and most of them are not going to be 10s in your eyes?

  15. How many fat and ugly girls do you think are lining up to date you for that reality show you want to do? What will it be called? May I suggest Beastmode Does Fatties?

  16. How often do women lie about not wanting to be with you?

  17. How effective was making a girl, the one who mouthed off to you, sit in a circle until she saw things your way? Is this a tactic all men should employ?

  18. How did it feel when your attempts to “put Amber in her place” failed miserably, and that she refused to “crawl on her knees” begging for forgiveness, and for “Beastmode” to save her, after she was placed on the block?

  19. For shits and giggles, just which passages from the bible did you plan to read to Amber as she was doing all of that crawling and begging?

  20. Isn’t it baffling how, after championing her backdoor nomination, Amber would turn on you and not want to work with you any longer? Sooooooooooooo confusing, I know!!

  21. Followup: With the above in mind, do you often find yourself confused by basic human nature?

  22. What kind of king or ruler does not know that his kingdom has rebelled and he has been overthrown? I mean… The Bomb Squad ended week 2 and you ain’t even know…

  23. Is it true that you have simply allowed Chuck Norris to claim all of those achievements because you don’t want to be bothered with all of the attention that comes with being a total bad ass?

  24. What do you call rape in prison if it is no longer considered rape?

  25. Were you scared that if you backdoored Ariana Grande’s brother that you would never get to meet Justin Bieber for that #1 hit collaboration that you are going to do?

  26. Followup: Now that you know someone who has met Justin Bieber, will you go around telling people that you two are working on a dope track full of lyrical “geniusy” lyrics?

  27. Followup 2.0: Since nominating Ariana Grande’s brother resulted in his eviction, are you now terrified that Justin Bieber will never talk to you?

  28. Do you often wonder if people are laughing at you? (Hint: They are.)

  29. Do you think the fact that you and your brothers used to have contests to see who could hit themselves in the head the hardest may have knocked something loose upstairs?

  30. On a scale of 1-10, 10 meaning hotter than a warthog with its ass hairs on fire, how mad are you that your brother deleted the InstaGram account that you have been promoting all summer?

  31. Followup: Do you now regret calling the president a Muslim monkey?

  32. Did you ever catch that mouse?

  33. Followup: Didn’t you think it was weird that there were no mouse droppings to be found, anywhere and no one ever saw the mouse again, or is that too much like adding 2 plus 2? (and everyone knows that math, much like reading, is for pussies!)

  34. Would you agree that you are a pathological liar? No? Yea, I thought you might say that…

  35. Have you thought about reaching out to The Locator to see if he can help you find that black man who healed your paralyzed legs by speaking in tongues?

  36. Where were you when you got bitten by that shark?

  37. Where were you when that bat tried to carry you off?

  38. Where were you when you got stung by a stingray?

  39. Where were you when you punched that lion in the face and broke its jaw?

  40. Where were you when you met Cooter Brown and gave him the saying, “Drunker than Cooter Brown?”

  41. Do you know that there is a guy claiming that he wrote the song that you wrote?

  42. Followup: Do you know that the guy, who stole your song, has over 7 million hits on YouTube and he is not giving you a lick of credit for it? The nerve of people, right?

  43. How cool was it to attend West Point?

  44. Didn’t you just want to slay your friend’s girl when she got pregnant and lost you that opportunity to make $1mil working with Johnny Depp on the “Pirates of the Caribbean?”

  45. If we mention your name to Rascal Flatts, would they even know who the hell you are?

  46. When you performed outside “for the CMA’s” because you are an “up and coming artist,” did you leave your guitar case open for people to throw you tips?

  47. Did you serve 11 months or 4 years of active duty in the military? Or… Should we just split the difference?

  48. Does it make you angry that, although he was a millionaire, making $25,000 an hour, your father made you all live in a run down trailer?

  49. If The Bachelor made their application shorter, and did not mind having a psychotic, pathological lying ass, non-millionaire date poor innocent victims women, would you then sign up for the show?

  50. Do you realize that Donny was fucking with you when he said that he got stabbed by a samurai sword-wielding ninja, and was merely one-upping your ridiculous tales?

  51. Would you agree that you are a pathological liar? No??? Yea, I thought you might say that…


P R I N C E S S  C O D Y

  1. Set the record straight: Vagisil or Summer’s Eve? (I think I know the answer.)

  2. Who is more lacking in clues, you are Veronica?

  3. How did it feel to be the fairest princess across all the Big Brother lands?

  4. Followup: Did it feel like you had won the lottery when you snatched Veronica’s princess title from her?

  5. On a scale of 1-10, with 10 being so frustrated that you wish that you had the balls to do something about it, how much does it piss you off that you do not have the nerve to actually confront someone you are bitching about?

  6. Would you say that it is often that you punch yourself in the face as you sleep?

  7. Why do you feel the need to cuddle with anything with a pulse?

  8. Would you say that you are just used to your looks getting you through life, and that is why you never developed an actual personality?

  9. How did it feel scissoring with Thirstine the Dehydrated half of the summer?

  10. Followup: Between the two of you, who has the biggest clitoris?

  11. Doesn’t “Chrody” (Christine + Cody) sound like something you get stuck in your throat?

  12. Did you miss the lesson on respecting other people’s marriages when you were growing up?

  13. Do you ever have that not-so-fresh feeling?

  14. How did you allow Derrick to convince you that all of the hot girls needed to go first?

  15. On a scale of 1-10, with 10 being so envious that you wish that you could rip every hair from his head strand by strand, how jealous are you of Zach?

  16. How painful was it when your balls ascended further into your body with every decision you were talked out of making for yourself?

  17. Did your balls finally melt away, completely (only to be replaced by a fully functioning vagina), when you heard that there was a mouse in the Big Brother house?

  18. Was being boring as fuck part of your game strategy?

  19. Set the record straight: Tampons or Sanitary Napkins?

(Cody has the personality of  paste – there is a reason he got little camera time that had nothing to do with his looks or Thirstine Thirstineburg – help me out with more questions and I will post them here with your name next to them!)


T H I R S T I N E

  1. BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

  2. Between you, The Wicked Witch of the West, Maleficent, and Ursala, who would win first place in a witch-cackling contest?

  3. Do you even remember what Tim looks like? #poortim

  4. On a scale of 1-10, with 10 being so dehydrated that you need to be hooked up to an IV for eternity, how thirsty are you for Cody’s dick?

  5. How happy were you when the two prettiest girls were voted out of the house and Cody finally had to settle for cuddling with you?

  6. Between you and Cody, who do you think has the most impressive clitoris?

  7. Why do you sound like a cartoon character when you talk?

  8. Would you agree that Cody is the hottest guy who has ever touched you and that is why you did not care about how Tim would feel watching you cuddle, hold hands and giggle like a couple of schoolgirls all day, everyday?

  9. Does it make you want to rip all of your fingernails off when you think about how much the public loves Donny, considering you think he is creepy and a pervert; and, of course, the worst?

  10. How does it feel to know that, after being number one on Jokers the first week live feeds were up, it was really you and your nasty personality that turned people against you?

  11. On a scale of 1-10, with 10 being so unlikely that you will sooner marry Cody and have a coven a litter a bunch of babies, how unlikely is it that your marriage will survive your summer-long display of utter disrespect?

  12. Do you really think Amber could ever be jealous of you?

  13. Was it always your plan to sacrifice your game in the name of being one of the “cool kids?”

  14. If the tables were turned and Tim had spent the summer with Brittany, cuddling, holding hands, talking about how hot she is, and how he had NEVER met a girl more interesting than her, would you or would you not have cast a spell to turn Brittany into a pile of ashes? Be honest! 

  15. Cody says you look like that lady from Insidious. Response?

  16. On a scale of 1-10, with 10 being so envious that you wish that you could go all Face/Off on her ass and wear her face as your own, how jealous are you of Brittany?

  17. Your family seems so nice… Did the devil drop you off at your parents’ doorstep when you were were born?

  18. Followup: Are you the spawn of Satan?

  19. What exactly did Jocasta do to you to make you hate her so much?

  20. Followup: Were you afraid that if you got too close to Jocasta that she would sense the evil within you and insist on an exorcism?

  21. When you were not cuddled up with Cody, did you feel like you were missing a part of your soul?

  22. When you say that you are a “superfan,” do you mean that facetiously?

  23. What part of the Big Brother superfan game is it for a GIRL to vote out ALL of the other girls and go to the end with a bunch of guys?

  24. Who did you think would vote to keep you in the house if you made it to the top 6/7 with mostly guys?  (Or, does it not matter because you had already won when you got Cody all to yourself?)

  25. On a scale of 1-10, with 10 being so heartbroken that you feel as if someone drove a stake through your evilly enchanted, blackened heart, how hurt are you that it was so easy for Cody to vote you out of the house?

  26. Did you go through Cody-Cuddle withdrawal when you left the BB house?

  27. Don’t you just love King Donny’s impersonation of your laugh?

  28. And, seriously, do you have an attorney?

  29. On a scale of 1-10, with 10 being so vexed that you plan to banish her to the top floor of a tower in a land far far away, how infuriated are you that Veronica gets to brag about her “Last Girl Standing” title?

  30. Followup: Do you imagine that coming in 2nd Place for Last Girl Standing is very much like being runner up in a beauty pageant?

  31. Followup to the Followup: What is the prize being the last girl in the house? Veronica could not tell me…

  32. I call Victoria “Veronica,”Derrick “Chief Wiggum, Cody “Cotex” or “Princess Cody,” Frankie “Ariana Grande’s brother” or “Frankiana Grande,” Caleb, “Crayleb” or “Bitchmode Cowgirl”… Can I call you Thirstine McGee Oh-So Thirsty? Pleeeeease???

  33. Is your soul so empty that it is difficult for you to gauge just when you should and should not laugh, so you just laugh at everything hoping to just be right occasionally?


F O R  A L L  T H E  H O U S E G U E S T S

  1. For Kang Donny: Can you confirm that you went to the Real Housewives of Atlanta School of Shade Throwing and graduated Magna Cum Laude; and THAT is the big secret you have been hiding???

  2. How did you manage to keep a straight face every time Caleb told a new Tall Tale?

  3. Question to ask all the remaining house guests … did you ever ask for booze?

  4. Followup: Why not? That would have least made some of you more interesting!


 

THANK YOU FOR READING…

 Knowing me, I will be adding more to this list over time… But, for now thank you for reading and please do share this with your frieeeends so that we can have lots and lots of questions for the BB16 houseguests that we KNOW that reporters, and notable Big Brother bloggers and radio hosts, will never ask!

Until next time…. Dying to know what happens after the show ends and the cast learns the truth about each others games?? Click here and read Big Brother 16 Fly on the Wall: Aftermath and find out.


FOLLOW ME ON THE TWITTERS @KRAZILIALOVE

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