Note: I am doing this early this year since I genuinely do not know if I am going to make it to the end of this season. lol. Enjoy!
Last year, we were a Fly on the Wall, imagining what it would look like when certain… “scandalous” houseguests were finally told how the public felt about them.
This year, I am gazing into Krazilia’s Krazi Crystal Ball, delving far off into the near future to the supernatural AFTERMATH of the Big Brother 16 Finale/Reunion.
And, since this is my fantasy:
DONNY WINS THE WHOLE DAMN GAME!!
FEAR THE BEARD, BITCHES!!
And, now, on to the story!
(BEWARE: Foul language ahead.)
Here’s what happens:
Another season of Big Brother has drawn to a close and it is time for the Houseguests to get together to rehash everything that transpired over the summer.
All sixteen contestants have congregated in a lounge, just backstage, awaiting their release out into the real world. Naturally, they are all quite anxious for the opportunity to greet throngs of their adoring fans; none antsier than this season’s most favoritest fan favorites of them all – Stalkermode Cowboy and Ariana Grande’s brother!
The lounge is abuzz with laughter and cheer as the houseguests further reveal truths about themselves and their games, truths left unsaid during their EXPLOSIVE (we hope!) live Finale/Reunion.
The mood is festive, indeed, yet betrayal and unfettered angst thickens the air; and if one were to strain their ear just so, one can hear the cries of a young girl lingering just beneath the cacophony of chaotic chitter-chatter.
Who is that young girl, you ask?
I believe that she goes by the name of Vironalerie…. or something.
The young innocent flower sits alone, an emotional wreck of a delicate princess. She had been fed to the wolves – or, rather, one very big, very bad wolf in particular – and now she is just beside herself as she runs her soft fingers through her long, luxurious raven locks.
DERRICK AND VI??C?IA???
“Derrick,” Velma whimpers, “DERRICK!” she yells out, her sweet voice slicing right through the clamor. Her lips tremble as her eyes shoot tear-laced daggers at he who had broken her heart!
Derrick looks at Valentina, flashing his ample nostrils and pearly whites her way, he asks, “What is it, Vita?”
Valencia struggles to speak, “Youuu… said…. LIIIIIIIIIES to me the whoooooole time, like WHOOOOO ARE YOU, right now???” she finally musters up the strength to wail.
Derrick pulls down his gray knit cap, straightens out his black-rimmed, lens-less glasses, and strokes his hairy chin. “Come here, girl,” he says, waving Virginia over to the sofa.
The young, fragile princess hesitates for a moment, momentarily unsure of what she should do. Derrick gives her a wink and she crumbles! She walks over to Derrick, her long, white princess gown, and a trail of sweet perfume, billowing behind her.
“Sit down, girl,” Derrick says as Varna arrives, gesturing to the seat beside him.
“Listen,” Derrick lowers his voice, leaning over, he strokes his chin again and gestures too damn much with his hands, “I know yous heard a lot about me during that reunion, but I just want yous to know…” Derrick pauses, “It was all lies. None of what they said is true,” he garbles.
Vanessa gets, like, really, REALLY angry and cries out, “Ooooh my GAAAAAWD, Derrick… DERRICK! But, Julie saaaid that YOU said LIIIIIIES to me!!! I LOOK SO STUUUPID RIGHT NOW. You had like 150 alliances and YOU DID NOT TELL ME ABOUT ANY OF THEM!!! I feel like I have been cheated on! And, why do you always sound like you are talking through a fan???” Vesperia throws her face into her hands and weeps.
Derrick moves closer, touches Valerie’s knee and garbles some more, “Listen, Vivian, I am genuinely hurt right now. I mean, who are yous going to believe? All of that video footage? Everyone in the house telling yous that we were in alliances? Common sense? Julie? JULIE? Are yous really going to trust JULIE?” Derrick lowers his voice some more, moving in even closer. “Or, are yous going to trust me, the person who had your back all summer, making sure yous stayed off of the block each week?” he whispers. “Look me at Vania. Look me in the eyes…”
Valencia wipes her face and looks into Derrick’s eyes; they twinkle. “OH MY GAWD, Derrick… DERRICK!!!
But, why would Julie SAY all of those LIES to me? She is SUCH a huge bitch! I hate her SO much right now! I mean, who ARE you to LIE to me?!?! Why did they edit it to make it look like you were in all of those alliiiiances??? They can change SO MUCH, and people will believe it because they are so stoooopid! It is bad enough that I did not win Fan Favorite but, WHY WOULD THEY LIE???”
Derrick shrugs, throws his hands up and flashes some low-key gang signs. “I don’t know, girl,” he says. “I think people lie to yous because it is easy and yous will believe anything.”
Vacancy wipes her tears, sniffles and nods. “I know! I am SUCH a GOOD, nice person!! I do not deserve this! I am SOOOO sorry, Deeeeerrick… DERRICK!!!”
Derrick throws his hands in the air, “I know, girl. Listen…,” he says, “I have something else that I need to tell yous.”
Vacuous catches her breath, “Oh my god, Derrick…. DERRICK!!! What is it? YOU HAVE TO TELL ME or I will never trust you again!!”
Derrick looks at Vapid and shakes his head, “It’s about your family…”
“OH MY GAAAAAWD! TELL ME!!!!!!!!”
“Well…. yous know how all of your life, your family has been telling yous that your name is Victoria?”
Victoria catches her breath and starts to hyperventilate, “Derrick, oh my god!! TELL ME… DERRICK!!! What do you know about my family??!?!??!?”
“I am sorry to be the one who has to break this to yous, but… Your real name is Veronica.”
Veronica stops breathing. “But, why?” she chokes out. “I DON’T BELIEVE YOU!!!”
Derrick shrugs and garble-garbles, “Alright… But… I mean, who are yous going to believe? Me, or a bunch of people who told yous that a crow swooped down and tried to carry yous off when yous was only two years old?”
Veronica stares blankly, off into space.
“Oh, and before I forget… Fire is cold,” Derrick concludes.
Elsewhere in the lounge sits the only Nomance in Big Brother history; Caleb and Amber. At last, they are together again.
A M B E R AND C R A Y L E B
The lovebirds sit awkwardly across a small table from one another. Caleb had only claimed the seat by tripping Cody before he could reach it. “BEASTMODED!” Caleb had yelled to a whimpering Cody, with a laugh.
Fidgeting, Amber sits politely and tries desperately not to make eye contact with Caleb… Love is in the air.
“Yo, Amber,” Caleb starts, “why do you get to have family back here with us?” he asks, laughing as he points at two well-muscled men wearing tight, black t-shirts, black slacks and polished black shoes. They stand behind Amber with their arms crossed, eyeballing Caleb behind matching dark sunglasses. “You never told me you had brothers,” he laughs, his cheeks somehow becoming redder.
Amber smiles, “These are my bodyguards.” She leans in and southern drawls, “and if you get any closer to me, they will fuck you up!”
Caleb’s confused and taken aback, “Amber… You cussing, now?!?!?! Quite frankly, I can’t be with a woman who swears…” he says shaking his head. “At the end of the day, Beastmode Cowboy can’t have that!!!”
“Shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker and tits,” Amber spits out.
Caleb’s entire face turns maroon.“If you want to meet Beastmode Cowboy’s family, quite frankly, you can’t be going around talking like you’re drunker than Cooter Brown, or something! At the end of the day, no respectable, god-fearing woman-“
“I am a satanic-atheist!”
“Quite frankly, I don’t know what the heck an apeist is or what satin has to do with anything, but listen here, girl, at the end of the day, if you want to be BEASTMODE COWBOY’S main squeeze, you are going to have to do what I say, at the end of the day…. Quite frankly.”
Caleb chuckles and smiles at Amber, “Our Chick Fil A date is going to be amazing. Listen at how Beastmode got this all planned out…”
Caleb leans back and gazes up in the air. “I am going to send a horse and carriage to pick you up, with a DOZEN of a dozen white roses, because everyone done done red and you know that nobody does it like Beastmode is going to do it, at the end of the day. Shoot, there will be dadgum flowers EVERYWHERE! That horse and carriage will pick you up like the Queen Princess that you are,” Caleb waves his arm through the air, “sweeping you off your feet at your place in California and taking you clear ‘cross the country to Kentucky – because, quite frankly, no one has done it like that before, and Beastmode ain’t nothing if I ain’t original!! At the end of the day, nobody in the history of the world has crossed the country with a horse and buggy. Quite frankly, you will be making history with Beastmode, at the end of the day!”
Caleb looks at Amber and his smile widens. “That there horse and carriage will deliver you right to Beastmode’s doorstep like the best dadgum Christmas present I done ever received. I will be waiting for you with a bouquet of roses, one of every color imaginable and, supposably, there are a lot of dadgum colors out there!”
“Then, I will get down on one knee, hold out those roses and open my arms to you, Amber. You have arrived to meet your king, the ruler of your universe! You will jump out of that carriage and run into my arms; and I will pick you up, take my hat off, put it on your head, and swing you around like I done every morning when we used to dance in the house. You won’t ever forget that night as long as you live, and, quite frankly, as long as you do as I say, and think like I think, that will be a very long time, Amber. You see? Beastmode got you covered. I done thought of everything, at the end of the day!”
“Holy shit, is it over?” one of the bodyguards muses aloud.
Amber sits with rounded eyes, mouth agape.
Caleb smirks. “Hell naw, I got more. Listen, I wrote a rap for you, Amber! I been working on this for weeks.”
Caleb stands up; Amber’s bodyguards close in around her.
Caleb laughs, “I guess y’all wanna make sure you hear every bit of Beastmode’s song,” he says to the bodyguards.
The bodyguards stand, unamused.
Caleb starts hopping around and gesturing with his hands:
Yo! Imma lyrical genius
Every time you think of me, you see a penis
I’m Beastmoding the comp like a riggity-rump
You’re sitting there thinking, how fresh is that lump
When I stabbed you in the back
You hollered, HEART ATTACK
Naw, that’s Beastmode coming to tap that
Imma a lyrical genius
You can’t do it like I done
Wrapping it all up in a tasty cinnabun
I’m a good talker, walker, a thinker and a stalker
Keeping it real, I’m not a mother-falker
I’m spitting dope rhymes so hard I should bill ya
But I’m giving you a gift, so take it or I’ll kill ya
Put you in a trunk and drive you away
Leave your family crying, WHY DIDN’T AMBER JUST STAY
He’s Beastmode, the most perfectest guy
If only she had listened, HE WOULD NOT HAVE STABBED HER IN THE EYE
Imma lyrical GENIUS!
Quite frankly, at the end of the day
Beastmode is here and I’m ready to slay
Peel away your skin, giggle and play!
Drive you to beach and toss you in the bay!
I’ll wear you as a shirt
As I dig in the dirt
Laying down graves
Since it’s all that I craves
IMMA LYRICAL GENIUS
Caleb finishes with a satisfied smirk on his face. He crosses his arms and starts nodding his head, “Dadgum! I can’t wait til I am blowing up the charts like Ariana Grande!”
The other bodyguard shakily pulls out a folded piece of paper from his pocket, “I was going to wait, but fuck that!” He throws the paper at Caleb. “That is a restraining order, you come near Amber again, it is over for you!”
Each bodyguard takes Amber by an arm and quickly whisks her away.
Caleb seethes and slams the table with his fists. “What I done?!?!? I DONE EVERYTHING FOR YOU IN THAT HOUSE, AMBER!! YOU OWE YOUR LIFE TO ME!!!”
Christine giggles nervously, having watched the entire Amber and Caleb exchange. “That was… so awkward,” she giggles again. She looks around for Cody. He is sitting with Brittany! Christine feels a pang in her heart, “Cody,” she squeals and giggles. She walks over to the duo and sits down next to Cody and starts to rub her head all over his shoulder, like she is a cat or some shit. Taking Cody’s arm, she puts it around her waist and giggles some more.
Brittany gives Christine the stink-eye, “Oh my god, what are you doing? Aren’t you married?”
Christine giggles, “It’s OK, I do this with everyone,” Christine wraps an arm around Cody’s neck and pulls him closer.
“You are so desperate and horny for a guy who would, like, NEVER sleep with you,” Brittany spits out with a laugh.
Cody tries to break free of Christine, but she is holding on too tightly. “Oh my god, Christine, let me go!”
Christine gets mad. “But, where are you going??? Now that there are no cameras around, we can talk about how we really feel about one another!!”
Before Cody’s brain explodes from trying to formulate the best response to that, Brittany asks,“But, what about Tim? Your church? Your family? Don’t you care about what they think? Brittany turns her nose up. “It is disgusting how you just fawn all over him. I could never throw myself at a guy like that! ESPECIALLY, IF I AM MARRIED!”
Christine lets go of Cody and jumps up to stare down at Brittany, angrily; but instead of turning red with anger, SHE TURNS GREEN! Perfectly symmetrical, round and hairy warts sprout on each side of her nose. “I don’t care what those people think!” she croaks. “The only thing that matters in this world is that Cody and I are in love and YOU ALL ARE JEALOUS OF US!!!” Christine wiggles her fingers and cackles. A booger-encrusted staff appears in her hands!
“HOLY SHIT,” Cody exclaims, his testicles ascending further into this body. “What the fuck? WHAT THE FUUUUCK???” Cody springs out of his seat. Pulling Brittany up with him, he cowers, trembling behind her.
“What are you doing?!? What am I? Your shield??? “Brittany snaps at Cody in disgust as she snatches her arm away from him. “WHAT A FUCKING PUSSY!”
“Don’t you dare speak to my precious that way!” Christine screeches. She points her staff at Brittany and casts a spell! “Leave this earth, leave this life, go away little dove, and fly, FLY, FLYYYYYYY! Haaaaaaaaaaaaahahahahaha! AHAHAHAHAHA!” Christine cackles gleefully as a beam of sparkling red light shoots from her staff and into Brittany!
And, now…. Brittany’s a bird.
Cody’s hands fly to his face and he lets loose a blood curdling scream; turning around, he runs out of the lounge.
Christine’s staff turns into a broom! She hops on it and shrieks, “YOU WON’T GET VERY FAR, MY PRETTY! No matter where you run, no matter where you hide, I WILL ALWAYS FIND YOU, MY LOVE!! AAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!” Christine rides her broom out of the door after Cody.
“WHAT THE FUCK, bro, can you believe that just happened?? I would have never guessed that Christine was an actual, real life witch! WHAT THE FUCK??? I am glad that I never tried to make her cry…” Zach is seated next to Ariana Grande’s brother; it was he that he had aimed his question towards.
Zach suddenly remembers that he is still mad at Ariana Grande’s brother; so, he glares.
Brittany flies out of an open window.
“Oh, shit! I guess we should have closed that…” Zach says.
Z A N K I E
Ariana Grande’s brother shrugs, unmoved by the chaos around him. He examines his nails and says, “I, like, RUN Hollywood, so I have seen crazier shit happen. I’m a major Hollywood mogul, after all… Maybe if you play your cards right, you will get to see for yourself… I come with perks!” Ariana Grande’s brother wraps his arms around Zach and nuzzles his head into the crook of his neck, “So…. When are we going to, like, fuck? We just HAVE to fuck. We are ZANKIE!”
Zach tries to pull away, “I’m not gay bro, I mean I am like seriously in love with you, but…” he trails off, still confused by the raw emotions he feels tearing at his fragile, pure heart! Lust. Love. Hatred. Betrayal. SO much betrayal! How can he possibly EVER recover from the emotional atrocity inflicted upon his poor, innocent little soul??? (sarcasm alert)
Ariana Grande’s brother pulls back from Zach excitedly and grins at him. Bouncing in his seat, Ariana Grande’s brother claps his hands and giggles, “OK, so I will, like, be your first! It will be totally AMAZE-BALLS! Let’s do it!!”
Before Zach can answer, a hyperbaric chamber is pushed in through the door. (It is a really WIDE door, roll with me on this one!!)
Ariana Grande’s brother leaps out of his seat and squeals. Hopping up and down he squeaks, “It’s here, IT’S HERE!” He squeals and laughs again. “THANK GOD because, if I had to share the same air with these fucking losers for even another fucking second, I was going to like, totally, fucking GOUGE my fucking eyeballs out of my fucking skull!!!”
Ariana Grande’s brother grabs Zach by the hand and tries to pull him into the chamber. “There is enough room for both of us if you lie on top of me!
Zach snatches his hand back, “I’m not going in there, bro! Fuck you bro! YOU TOTALLY STABBED ME IN THE BACK so many fucking times in that fucking house, bro; and, I WAS TOTALLY LOYAL TO YOU!!”
Ariana Grande’s brother is miffed. “It’s a game, Rose!” he throws his hands up, “that is what we are supposed to do! And that happened like, WEEKS ago, why can’t you just get over it and come fuck me in my hyperbaric chamber??!?! I paid a lot of money for this thing! We can’t let it go to waste! And, we get to do it in front of an audience, SO FUCKING HOT!!” Ariana Grande’s brother hops up and down, “Come fuck me, come fuck me, come fuck me!!”
“But, I thought you were broke from giving all of your money to kids in Africa??? How can you afford a hyperbaric chamber?? I guess that was just ANOTHER one of your fucking lies!! You are such a fucking tool, bro!”
Ariana Grande’s brother sighs and puts a hand on his hip. “Of course, I don’t give ALL my money to kids in Africa! It is only so much charitable contribution you can claim on your taxes, Rose! You have so much to learn. NOW FUCK ME!”
“Fuck you, bro!”
“YES! FUCK ME!”
Ariana Grande’s brother collapses to the ground; he’s on his knees! “Wha-what?? But, what are you saying??? You would pick HER over ME? Did you not see what she JUST did to Brittany??? SHE’S RIDING A FUCKING BROOM, RIGHT NOW, ROSE!!”
“Yes, King Douchebag Supreme, I am saying that I would hook up with a witch, who has the power to turn my balls into two fucking LemonHeads, before I let my dick get anywhere near you!” Zach starts to do his Justin Bieber dance moves.
Ariana Grande’s brother places the back of his left hand against his forehead, “Oh, I do declare! I feel faint! I do believe that I am catching the vapors,” he says in a southern drawl, slipping into one of his many personalities. “You cannot possibly mean that!!!”
“I meant every word of it!” Zach starts to twerk.
Ariana Grande’s brother cries, “You cannot do this! THIS WILL RUIN ME!! I can only survive on the love and adoration of those of whom I deem worthy! Without your love, undying gratitude and gratefulness for being allowed to bask in the glow of my GLORIOUS presence, I WILL DIE!” he exclaims.
Zach stops twerking and looks down at Ariana Grande’s brother. “What the fuck bro, are you melting??”
“Oh no, it has begun!” Ariana Grande’s brother shouts melodramatically as he flails himself backwards onto the floor and spread eagles! “I SHOULD HAVE NEVER SOLD MY SOUL TO THE DEVIL,” he laments in his Scarlett O’Hara-inspired accent.
“All I have ever wanted was to be worshiped and to make people feel as if they are small, insignificant little plebs, peasants and paupers who are lucky to have one as FABULOUS as I walking the earth! HOW DARE YOU DENY ME YOUR FRUITLOOPED DINGUS?!?” Ariana Grande’s brother holds his trembling hands in front of his face, “I am wasting awaaaay!”
“So… That’s a ‘yes’, right?” Zach takes his pink hat off and scratches his head, perplexed.
“Yes, Rose! I am melting, I’M MEEEEEELTING!!”
Ariana Grande’s brother melts into the ground.
“Oh, lord, Jesus, father mercy! WE NEED A PRAYER CIRCLE!” Jocasta exclaims looking at Ariana Grande’s brother’s puddle of guck. “We have witches flying on brooms, turning people into birds, evil melting straight into the ground, leaving puddles of goo; heathenous heathens and nonbelievers to the left, to the right, and ALL AROUND US, Jesus, father lord, Glory haveth the MERCY!”
Jocasta throws a hand up, “Deedededadadaedeededeeedadadadaeddeeededeeedada!”
J O C A S T A, N I C O L E, H A Y D E N, & C o.
“Oh noooooo! Jocasta is talking in tongues again,” Nicole says, wide-eyed. She runs to Hayden.
“WE NEED AN EXORCISM, FATHER, mercy in the name of Christ and all that is pure, good and holy!! Daedeededeeedadadadae!!! I am not ready for it to be the end times! Ah-DEEDEDADADADEEDEEDEE!” Jocasta falls to her knees in prayer, jerking about on the floor; she speaks in more advanced tongues.
Nicole straightens her glasses, and pushes them up on her nose, “This is soooo scaaary! Do you, like, think that Jocasta is going to be okaaay??? Oh my gaaaaawd, there is just sooooo much happening right now!! I don’t know who to truuust!!!”
“Uh… the game is over, Nicole,” Hayden laughs.
“I knoooow, but stiiiiiill, being out in the world is like, soooo haaaaard!”
“You think you have it hard?” Devin has joined them! “I have a daughter, that’s hard! Being a single-dad is hard! I have a little girl; a daughter. I have a daughter who is a little girl. I have a little girl who is going to grow up to be a big girl. She is my little girl. She is my daughter. I have a daugh-”
Hayden rock-screams in Devin’s face, “Dude, NO ONE CARES,” he screamos!
“OH LAWD! THE DEVIL IS HERE, JAY-SUS!!” Jocasta stands up and runs to Hayden, she lays hands on him. “Don’t let him succumb to the dark side! Daedeededeeedadadadae! He is too young, TAKE ME INSTEAD, FATHER!! Dadadadadadaadeeeedeeedeeeeeeeeeeeedeeeedeeee!”
As Jocasta continues to chant, ominous clouds roll in, blanketing the earth with desperation and despair! A great gust of wind gushes through the open window and the floor of the lounge begins to tremble beneath their feet!
“Yea… So… this is where I leave…” Joey runs for the door with Zach, Devin, Caleb, Derrick and Nicole right on her heels.
“Wait!!! DON’T LEAVE ME! Nicole… WAIT!” Hayden begs, trying to break away from Jocasta. Her grip is iron-tight and she is not loosening it.
“This is soooo scary!! You know I am afraid of ghoooosts!” Nicole says, “I’m getting ouuuut of heeeere!!!” she yells over her shoulder.
Hayden looks at Jocasta and screams. The whites of her eyes have blackened!
“I have purged you my son,” Jocasta states calmly, in a deep, otherworldly voice. Jocasta smiles and let’s Hayden go. Lifting her arms upward, Jocasta levitates and she ascends up to, and through, the ceiling. Instantly the dark, sinister clouds retreat and the floors cease to quiver.
Trembling, Hayden turns around and stumbles out of the room.
“Well, all of that sure was interesting, wasn’t it?” Donny asks Paola, who is seated beside him; the only two, who are awake, remaining in the lounge. “I spent all summer with a bunch of juveniles. This seems to be about the perfect way to cap it all off.” Donny turns to Pao Pao, “Want to go get some ice cream?”
“Caltoru,” Paola says.
Thank you for reading!! I know it was a lot longer than it was last year, but I have been working on my creative writing. If you have made it through this entire story, YOU THE REAL MVP!
Enjoy the rest of the season… Or, at least fake it until you make it.
Follow me @KraziliaLove