“She is, like, totally dead, bro-skis.” Linkin said.
My body feels light… Am I suspended in the air? It feels as if nothing can touch me up here. Wherever “here” is, I am safe and it feels so good. Heavenly, even. It is as if I have been wrapped up in the warmth of a thousand baby alpacas. You know the ones, those soft fluffy little critters. They remind me of my uncle’s farm back in Georgia. I sigh happily and hug myself.
Oh, alpacas, I think want to ally with you! You are the only true friends I have in this game. I will take you all to the Final Two with me!
Suddenly, out of no-fricking-where, I feel a meaty hand slap across my face and my eyelids flutter open.
Eep! No, I want to go back…
My eyes flit across the skies above and I wince as my corneas are viciously assaulted by what can only be described as a cheerfully psychedelic hellscape. A barrage of lights and bright colors joyfully bounce off of one another, taunting me with their colorful, uh, colorfulness.
And, there are clouds. There are clouds, just, everywhere. Pink ones, blue ones, green ones, yellow ones, purple ones, white ones, nine silly gray ones, I bounce my head from side to side, humming the Cloud Song to myself.
Are those snickers I hear trying to find their way through the fog in my brain-damaged brain? I cannot quite identify the sound… Fuck it, what do I care? I am lying here, suspended in air, floating amongst bright, colorful clouds, wrapped in the warmth of a million baby alpacas. Nobody can touch me here. Nobody!
I sigh. Again. Happily. I have a smile on my face. I am just going to float here in peace and see if I can figure out which of these lights I am supposed to walk into. No, not walk; float!
I start to hum again, I am a floater, I float here, I float there, I float every-fucking-where. IIIIIIIIIIIII’M A FLOATER — Wait… What? Holy shit. I’m a floater?
“I AM A FLOATER,” I scream.
Now those definitely are not snickers. Those are full on belly laughs. I hear them clear as day, now. Well, fuck all of you haters! I AM IN THE CLOUDS! You can’t touch me!
A pasty white face abruptly moves into my field of view. What the…?
The face belongs to a man; a man with a smile so wide that it reaches up to his ears. Is It the Joker? No, his lips are not red enough… Wait, how did he get up here? These are my clouds, my baby alpacas! BACK OFF!
“Get out,” I spit, angrily, through clenched teeth.
The Joker laughs. Ugh. So. Fucking. Predictable. “Can you sit up for me, Sherra?” he asks.
Is he nuts? You don’t sit up on clouds, you float on clouds.
“Do you have a magic carpet?” I ask in response.
“Then, how the hell am I supposed to sit up?” I snap. I swear, people never think!
“Just give me your hand,” the Joker grabs my hand and pulls me up. “See, that wasn’t so bad, was it?” Again, the Joker laughs.
I look around. Crap! How did we get to the ground so fast? And, where are my baby alpacas? All I see are pillows! My eyes dart back to The Joker. Does he know magics? I wonder if he will teach them to me…
I look around again. More color, everywhere. Color, color, color. I feel queasy.
“It looks like the Carebears had an orgy with the My Little Ponies and a box of 100 count crayons out here,” I blurt out before hurling in The Joker’s lap.
It took a little while, but lying here, atop my bed in the Head Houseguest in Charge room, I have been able to piece a few things back together. Turns out, The Joker’s real name is Tommy and he is one of the medics on staff. Oh, and I have a concussion! But, enough about that…
Today, we played the Veto of Doom competition!
The players were me, Casey, Bill, Maisy, Maura and a guy named Kale. The game was Been-A-Drilled. The objective? To survive as nine of our fellow houseguests tried to take us out by launching dodge balls from cannons. We were to be drilled by dodge balls. Last man standing, wins! Now, if I could only figure out who won? That part is still a bit fuzzy… Maybe if I go back over everything again.
From the top:
I remember everyone sleepily shuffling out into the backyard. By that time, we had all mostly figured out that we had been given some kind of sleep-aid. Based on the name of the competition, I am guessing they were some kind of allergy pills. Is that shit even legal?
Maisy was the only one who was unfazed by the pills. “They would have to give me ten of those things to take me out,” she proclaimed later.
“Um, but they were at least double the normal dose,” I said.
Somehow, that explained a lot. But, I digress.
Been-a-Drilled’s theme was some kind of twisted, celestial slumber party. Besides clouds, clouds and more clouds, there was what looked like hundreds of colorful pillows strewn across the middle of the backyard. Nine rainbow painted cannons had been arranged in a semi-circle around said pillows. That’s right, not only did we have to dodge those stupid cannon-launched balls, while drugged, we had to maneuver around mounds of fluffy pillows! Oh well, at least they were not baby alpacas.
The first casualty ended up being Maura. That ball came out of nowhere and snapped her head back hard enough for me to hear something pop. I watched in horror as she crashed to the ground and massaged her cranium. Were those stars I saw circling her dome? I gulped. Maura crawled out of the line of fire.
“Bro, watch out!” Linkin yelled, ever so obviously, to me.
My head swung around in time to see three balls headed my way. I fell to the ground and watched as Bill, who was standing behind me, took a ball to his face, his chest and his, uh, nether region. He looked stunned, and did not move for a few seconds. Maisy stood back, pointed at Bill and let out a witchy cackle. I glowered. No one was even targeting her! What the fuck?!
Bill clumsily walked off the field.
“Don’t worry, I like got you, bro,” Linkin slurred, sleepily, as he tried to get his cannon aimed at Maisy. Maisy glared at Linkin and he froze.
Ugh! What fucking use are you, Linkin???
I shook my head and scrambled to my feet. I refused to let that bitch get away with this! I stumbled over the pillows, and got in front of Maisy. I planned to use the same move on her that I unintentionally used on Bill.
Maisy pushed me! That bitch pushed me!! “Stay away from me,” she yelled.
Before I could shove Maisy back, two more balls were headed my way. I caught one ball and hit the second ball with it, causing it to ricochet and hit Kale.
“Kale, you are out!” yelled Lana.
“Er… Oops?” I said to a fuming Kale as he tried to stalk off the field. The fact that he kept falling over the pillows somewhat ruined the fiery exit he was trying to execute.
I crouched down, I was in the zone, still holding on to the ball as a shield. Casey and Maisy picked up a ball, thus stealing my fricking strategy! I growled.
I looked over at Linkin’s cannon and he was nowhere to be seen. Where the hell was my backup? I looked down to the base of the cannon. I found him; passed out! I growled again.
“Go for Casey!” Meagan shouted and five cannons were aimed towards Casey.
“Wait!” Casey cried, but it was too late. The balls fired out and she was shot down. I tried to swallow, but my throat was dry. Casey just laid there with her hands over her eyes.
“Poor thing is so embarrassed,” I thought. I looked closer. Nope. She was just sleeping. I sighed. Now I have to maneuver around the pillows AND Casey’s body. Just fricking great.
I looked back towards the cannons. We were missing two more people. Only six cannons remained manned. “I just need to wait until all of these idiots to pass out,” I thought, “Then I will takes the precious and it will alls be mine! MINE!!”
Reality slammed into me and I stood up straight, “Do I even want to win the VOD?” Noooo, I don’t! I DON’T WANT IT!
I looked to my left; Maisy was standing there examining her nails. She was the only other person remaining! I looked back to the cannons. Only two people were standing, one of which was draped across the cannon. Fuck, she is sleep too! Where the hell did the other four people go? Wait is that Linkin who is back up? When the hell did he wake back up??
Linkin signaled to me with his hands, pointing at Maisy then at himself. He smiled. I shook my head and pointed at myself. “Hit me,” I mouthed, “HIT ME!” Linkin gave me the thumbs up sign and aimed his cannon at Maisy. “Nooooooo,” I whispered. Too late. It was all too late. Linkin launched his ball and hit Maisy right in the ankle. Maisy yelped and grabbed her foot.
I won. I fucking won. I sighed and plopped down on the pillows.
“Yes!” Linkin exclaimed, startling the sleeping girl draped across the cannon. The girl’s hand swung back and she accidentally launched a ball right towards me. I would have missed it all, but, as luck would have it, I turned around just in time to see the ball slamming into my face.
I sigh and lean back in the HHIC bed. My face wrinkles up and I start to cry. “Why do I keep winning everything?” I whine.
I hear a knock on the door and Linkin crashes in.
“You forgot this downstairs, bro,” Linkin walks up to me and puts the Veto of Doom Crown atop my head.
“Bro, you are a competitions beast!”
I cry harder.