“I have nominated you, Stacy and you Phil, for eviction.”
“My name is Casey,” the girl totally not named Stacy said.
“Yea. And, mine is Bill,” the guy totally not named Phil said.
Oops! “Hehe,” I giggle.
Well, hell, this isn’t all my fault. I hardly got any sleep last night. Nerves were part of it, alright, but Maura and Meagan barging into my room at 3:00 in the morning didn’t help, none.
“Maisy just told us you are putting us both on the block!” Maura shouted.
I shot upright in my bed and stayed that way for the next three hours as I tried to convince M & M that they weren’t going up, and as they tried to browbeat me into putting up Maisy. I ain’t going to lie. I am extremely scared of her! Plus, the cool kids seem to really like her. I can’t get blood on my hands this early in the game!
I finally got the duo to leave when I told them about my probably brain-damaged brain and how much it needed to rest before the Veto of Doom Nomination Ceremony this morning. I blame them for my current memory lapse.
I look at the producer, and whisper, “Should I start over?” I get the go ahead.
I take a deep breath and square my shoulders. This looks so much easier on the T.V. “I have nominated you, Casey, and you Bill for eviction,” I stiffly sweep my arm between the seated duo.
“Casey, I have nominated you because, you are, uh… like totally a big threat in this game.” Casey arches an eyebrow. I ramble on, “I mean, you seem nice and everything, but, uh…” Well, hell, you aren’t in any of my alliances!! I giggle.
“Yea. So, that’s why. And, you, Bill,” my eyes dart nervously around Bill’s face. I can’t seem to look him in the eyes. “You are up there just because, uh, it would be totally best for me, and the game I am trying to play, if you, er… If you are just not here anymore.” Bill sneers at me. Ack! “But, if you do stay, no hard feelings, OK?”
I turn back to Casey, “You, too, Casey. Please don’t be mad at me! It is uh, not personal. It is just all game. It is just a game move. Um, so this concludes the Little Big Play Cousin Veto of Doom Nomination Ceremony. Please-don’t- be-mad-at-me. Thank you!”
I wipe away the sweat pouring from my forehead and crumble into my seat. Is that snickering I hear? I wasn’t that bad was I?
“We totally need a name for our Final Two alliance, bro” Linkin says to me. He and I had climbed into the hammock out back; it was vacant for once. Sitting here now, under the early afternoon sun, I can kind of see why.
“Uh, sure,” I say. An alliance name will make this deal a lot more official than I want it to be.
Linkin crosses his arms, with a satisfied smirk on his face, and says, “I was thinking ‘Fortifiers United!’”
Yikes! I shook my head no, but said, “Um, OK, sure… But… Why?”
“Because we are united in fortifying this shit, bro! Once we fortify our army, our minions, our focking servants, we will OWN this game, bro! Plus, here is the best part, bro,” I brace myself, “Our initials will be F-focking-U! It can’t get much better than that, bro!” Linkin rubs his hands together and laughs. He is obviously extremely proud of himself.
I blink. I stare for a second. I plaster a smile on my face. “Sure… The F.U’s it is!” I attempt to feign excitement by clenching my fists and shaking them in an excited-like fashion.
‘Fortifiers United?’ Ugh. Fuck it. I am not going to waste time coming up with a good alliance name for an alliance that I don’t even remember agreeing to in the first place.
“This is awesome, bro!” Linkin leans in and whispers, “So, I was thinking that we should, like, totally recruit Casey into our army, bro.”
Um. “But, I just nominated her for eviction.” Look at me. I am stating the obvious.
“That’s why it’s perfect, bro, no one will ever see it coming! We will make a deal with her, okay bro? We will tell her that we will save her from eviction as long as she joins us in kicking some serious focking ass, bro.”
“How do you propose we swing that? The saving her from eviction part, I mean.”
Linkin throws his arms up and shrugs. “I don’t know, bro. We’ll make up some lies about Bill, or something, bro. We will wing it. We got this, bro! Look,” Linkin points towards the door, “there she is now!”
I look up to see Casey walking out of the house. She is a relatively average looking girl. Long, straight black hair, tanned, blue eyes. Big tits, small ass. Pretty teeth. She looks around my age which, in Linkin years, would mean that I look almost old enough to be her mother.
Before I can do anything to stop him, Linkin waves her over. I shake my head frantically, waving my arms about. “Abort! Abort,” I hiss at him.
Linkin totally ignores me, and shouts, “Hey Casey, bro, we have a proposition for you!” Shit! I look around in a panic. The backyard was empty for once. Jesus!
As Casey closes in on us, in a misguided effort to stand up, I swing my right leg over the side of the hammock and promptly flip over, falling flat on my face. Ooof!
I lie there, unmoving. I mean, what’s the point in getting up? I am already down here and the grass is nice and warm, and also oddly super plush and soft. It feels good down here. I feel safe down here.
“Woah, bro! Are you OK, bro?” Linkin gets up and jogs around the hammock and pulls me to my feet. Bye-bye fuzzy, warm feeling.
I giggle as I awkwardly steady myself against Linkin. At least he has pants on today. Maybe tomorrow he will work his way up to both pants and a shirt. “Yea, sure I am OK,” I say, “But, uh…” Mmm, maybe now is the perfect time to wiggle out of this situation. “Listen, can you help me up to my room? I think I should, uh, lie down. I do feel a little, uh, dizzy.”
“Sure thing, bro!” Yes! “Follow us, Casey.” No!
I shake my head at Linkin, as subtly as I can. I blink one eye at him, then the other, then both eyes. Rapidly. “I- Eh- Uh-… Nnnnn, Nnnnnnn!!” I say.
“Woah… What’s happening, bro?” Linkin steps back and squints at me with his mouth agape. Is that his “I am concerned,” face?
I catch Casey out of the corner my eye. Her mouth is also open; slightly. She looks incredulous. And, bemused. And, amused. And, also, some not-so-nice words that I can’t think of right now. “Well, fuck you bitch,” I say to her in my head.
“Bro,” Linkin says, “you have some kind of funky tick kind of thing going on.” He puts his hand on my shoulder. “Maybe you should go see the medic, bro. I can handle this talk with Casey alone, bro.”
I sigh and flop to the ground. “No. It’s OK. I am fine.” I gesture towards the Hammock of Death. “You two take the hammock.” I give up, but there is no way I am about to let Linkin have this talk without me.
Casey moves to climb onto the hammock. She moves gradually, as if she is scared that any sudden movements will send me into another neurotic spasm.
Linkin’ still looks worried. “Are you sure, bro?”
“Yes, I am sure. SIT,” I tell him.
Casey speaks for the first time as she tries to get settled in the hammock, “OK, so that was really weird.”
“No, bitch, YOU are really weird,” I snap, in my head. Though I am feeling loads of entirely irrational rage, I manage to give Casey a tight smile.
Linkin hops on the hammock and gets right to business. “Look, bro. Your ass is really in the line of fire this week.”
Casey looks at me and asks pointedly, “I wonder how that could be?”
I ignore her. Like seriously, fuck you.
Linkin continues, “You need me and Sherra to save you or else you will be the first out the door! And we aaaaaall,” Linkin makes a sweeping arch motion, “know you don’t want that, bro!”
Casey is still looking at me, but she is addressing Linkin. “She wants to help me, too?”
I give Casey an even tighter smile. Of course, I don’t want to help you! You are the target for at least two of my alliances, bitch! “I will help,” I tell her as I mentally cross all my fingers and toes. My eyes, arms and legs, too.
“OK, here is the plan, bro,” Linkin leans in and whispers, “we are going to go around and tell everyone that Bill has been totally badmouthing them, bro. Like, he has been saying all kinds of nasty shit about their families and shit. Stuff like that, bro.”
I blink. Holy shit. He can’t be serious.
“You think that can work?” Casey wants to know. Wait. Is that a serious question? No, idiot. That will never work!
I jump in. “We probably need to uh, employ a more subtle method.”
“Stealth mission! I dig it, bro!” Linkin says. He stares at me for a half a minute before I realize he is waiting for me to continue. Wait, this has to be my plan now? The fuck?
Casey cuts in before I can think of what to say next, “No. I like Linkin’s plan!” You do? “I’m in. Let’s do it!”
“Awesome! So, what should we call this Final Three alliance, bros?”
Oh, fuck me.