What happens when you have been obsessed with the current season of Big Brother for the better part of two months? Well, even your daydreams start to be filled with thoughts of the show! You imagine yourself in the house, competing against the current houseguests, and of course every decision you make is PERFECT! At the end, you win and are the most famous person in all the lands! And, rich too!
OK, in real life I am sure that I would suck as much as half of these houseguests do… But, what would that sucking look like? Last night, I started to think about that. I mean, I could not sleep anyway, so in my mind I started to imagine how a somewhat shy, socially neurotic, female houseguest would fare in the fishbowl that is Big Brother – Let us call this game Little Big Play Cousin!
I call this fictitious female character Sherradonatella D. Mugganflapper… Because… I mean, why not?? Below is her first night in the house, after winning HHIC (Head Houseguest in Charge)!
Side Note: In case you are new to the term “play cousin” a play cousin is typically someone you spent a great deal of your childhood with, and is like family, but there is of no actual relation.
It is the end of day one in the Little Big Play Cousin house, and I am sitting here in the HHIC bedroom wondering how I became the first HHIC. My head hurts and I have to sit here with all of these people, these STRANGERS, gathered around me laughing and smiling and acting like I am the most fascinating person they ever did lay eyes on. If I squint hard enough, I can even see the fear dancing behind their eyes and thought bubbles popping up over their heads saying, “Please don’t put me on the block! I don’t want to be the first one to go home!” Well, hell, I don’t even want to be the first HHIC, but here I am! Here I fucking am! How the hell did this happen??
Mama always did say that I had a strong stomach and a hard head. Maybe that is why I won. At first, I was leery as hell of that competition because we had to hang upside down by our ankles for a really long time. The way it worked was that, as we passed out from the blood rushing to our heads, we were eliminated. I know what you are thinking. “That sounds really fucking dangerous!” Well, obviously, they got the go ahead from medical professionals. I mean, what do I know? I am PhD-less. Besides, with all this money on the line, it will be worth it in the end! Not to mention, being on Little Big Play Cousin will make me a household name!!!
Hanging upside down wasn’t so bad, anyway. Well, at least not at first. After about six of us had passed out, and had been lowered to the ground by cranes, they started shooting mud pies at us! After the mud pies, came the honey. THICK streams of honey, raining down on us from above. The mud and honey was topped off with squirts of a foamy whipped cream-like substance. I felt like I weighed as much as an elephant after awhile, but still I was not about to pass out! No ma’am! I mean, I knew I could not be the first person down, but I think I remember thinking that I wanted to show people that I wasn’t some girlie-wimpy type of chick, neither! So I hanged there, swaying from side to side until eventually, I was the last one swinging! At least, I think I was swinging and swaying. I guess it is possible that I was just dizzy and teetering on the edges of consciousness. It was not until my head stopped swimming that I realized that I should have just pretended to pass out. Damnit!
Anyway, the most fascinating thing about watching unconscious people being lowered to the ground, looking like dead pigs at a slaughterhouse, came after their bodies hit the mat. Medics would run up to the passed out houseguest with oxygen masks and smelling salts. They would put the salt up under their noses and their eyes would pop open like they had just be shocked by electricity. Then they put the oxygen masks on and gave them orange juice to drink.
Is that fascinating, or is it just me? I guess when your brain is drenched in blood and is all muddled up, any and everything seems fascinating. I just want to know what the hell orange juice had to do with anything? Does hanging upside down lower your blood sugar? I guess that doesn’t matter right now. Right now, what matters is that I, Sherradonatella D. Mugganflapper from little old Lula, Georgia, just won the first HHIC competition and now I have to figure out who to nominate for eviction without pissing anyone off. Damnit!
“You should, like, totally put up the guy with the, like, big muscles and that girl who is, like, already clinging to him! I mean, what a skank, right?” A blonde girl, with way too much makeup on, corners me in the HHIC bathroom. I do not want to ask her name again because she seems like the type to take offense to people not just remembering who she is.
“Can I just wash my hands first,” I ask her and giggle nervously.
Blonde Girl snarls and moved from in front of the sink. Or, at least I THINK she snarled. She may or may not have had some work done on her face immediately before entering the house. Either way it is hard to get a read on what she may be thinking because her face seems unnaturally stiff. Also, her over-arched eyebrows make it look like she is in a constant state of shock.
I giggle again as I turn on the faucet and soap up my hands. “OMG, get it together, Sherra!” I chastise myself. “Stop giggling so damn much!” I giggle, again.
“No, really. That guy with the big fucking muscles is, like, such a big threat. I can tell he is going to, like, win like… EVERY HHIC and Veto of Doom competition that he possibly can! We need to, like, get him out because you know he, like, already has an alliance!” Blonde Girl leans forward, towards the bathroom mirror, and fluffs her thick mane of golden hair extensions.
I giggle and ask, “Which guy with muscles? There are, like, four of them.”
Blonde Girl sighs and rolls her eyes, “Nevermind.”
I giggle again as she abruptly walks away from me and rejoins the mob.
What just happened? There are literally four guys here with abnormally big muscles. “How am I to know which one she meant?”
Altogether, we are a group of 16 houseguests, eight guys and eight gals, all vying for a chance at capturing the Little Big Play Cousin throne and all the money and fame that comes with it! It won’t be an easy road. People are cutthroats in this game and will sell their mama and eat their first born baby if it meant that they would reign supreme at the end of the day.
I dry my hands and grab the bottle of lotion from the counter. My eyes dart around. I am searching for anything that will delay my inevitable return to the HHIC bedroom. MY HHIC bedroom. How did this happen?? I look up from the counter just in time to see one of the muscle-bound guys walking up to me. I yelp.
“Did you just yelp, bro ?” Muscles asks.
I giggle, DAMNIT. I giggle, again. “It is just.. Uh, the hiccups,” I say lamely.
Muscles smiles, revealing dimpled cheeks. “You know who you are putting up on the block yet?”
I sigh and fling my arms around, “OMG I like literally just won! I don’t even know you guyses names yet!”
“Woah, chill bro! I was just wondering! My name is Linkin by the way. After Linkin Park. You know, like the band? My parents are cool like that.”
“No way! They aren’t old enough to have been out when you were conceived. How old are you??”
“I just turned eighteen!” Muscles beamed as if managing to live to the ripe old age of eighteen was some kind of accomplishment.
“Wow!”I make a mental note to curb lusty thoughts.
“So, like we should so totally be in an alliance together. I think your sage wisdom will be invaluable to me in this game.”
“Sage? Just how old do you think I am??”
“Um, like 37.”
I feel my left eye start to twitch, “Wow! You are only off by ten years!”
“WOAH! You are 47? You look focking AWESOME for your age, bro!”
“What the fuck!? I AM 27!!”
“Woah… ,” Linkin says softly. He walks closer to me and puts his right hand on my shoulder. What the hell is he doing? “No way, bro…,” he whispers, shaking his bald head. “No one is going to buy that, bro. Look, you can’t start out this game lying about small shit like that, bro. People will not trust you and we need people to be able to trust you if we are going to be in an alliance together, bro.”
I put a finger up to my eye to stop it from twitching. If this is the muscle-bound guy that Blonde Girl was talking about, he is SO going on the block!
Muscles gives me a compassionate smile and steps back, “But, yea, bro just think about the offer, OK? And don’t be embarrassed by your real age. Like, I am sure that there are some other people here old like you. ”
I clench my fists and grit my teeth at Linkin’s back as he leaves the bathroom.
This is going to be a long night.