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Big Brother 15 Apology Tour: Apologizing 101

20130919-bigbrother15-final3-winner-andy-herren-ginamarie-zimmerman-spencer-clawson-interviewAfter reading articles and listening to interviews given by Big Brother 15 houseguests Andy, Spencer, GinaMarie Amanda and Aaryn, I have come to the realization that these people have no earthly idea how to give sincere apologies. I’ve decided to help them out by giving them some tips.

Big Brother 15 Apology Tour: Apologizing 101

A sincere apology involves acknowledgment of one’s actions without deflection onto other things or people.

“If I said anything to offend you…”

“My words were taken out of context…”

“If I was portrayed as…”

The above INSTANTLY kills any apology you are attempting to make. There is no ownership in those words.

“If” I offended people? There is no “if,” and, OR but about that. You DID offend people! Saying, “If I offended you,” just ends up being more offensive. Furthermore, you are making the people you are apologizing to feel as if it is THEIR fault that they are offended in the first place. It’s as if you are saying, “Well, IF you would have taken my comments in the context that I meant them in, you wouldn’t be offended. But… since you didn’t do that, and since you are now offended… I’m sorry.” Uh, no, hunty. JUST NO…

The word “but” also lessens the effect of an apology.

I’m sorry that I made fun of Elissa’s son, BUT, being in the house stressed me out!

I’m sorry that I said that Candice’s mother didn’t want her, BUT, it was in the heat of the moment and I was angry at the time.

Those aren’t apologies. Those are excuses for your poor behavior.  In actuality, saying those things was unacceptable, regardless of why you said them. The fact is that people aren’t interested in your excuses. They want to know that you actually get why they are upset. The fact that you DON’T get it only makes them angrier. Your lack of ability to empathize with their outrage is not really going to get you very far, so you need to make the effort to put yourself in the fans’ shoes. Watch the video compilations on YouTube. If you still can’t understand why the fans found this season so infuriating, then you should probably keep that to yourself and disengage from social media altogether. (Also, prepare yourself for a difficult road ahead because people don’t enjoy long, fulfilling relationships with sociopaths.)

Consider that prior to this season, there were FOURTEEN other seasons of Big Brother USA. Saying that people can’t relate because they weren’t in the house isn’t going to fly when there are FOURTEEN other seasons of live feeds to fall back on. If you ACTUALLY want the Big Brother community to ACTUALLY buy that you are sincere in your apology, you will have to admit that being in that house could not have possibly had that big of an impact on your personality. OWN YOUR BEHAVIOR! ADMIT that you were/are a dick, a bitch, and/or a jerk and that there is no excuse for the things that you said.

If you manage to at least do SOME of the above, maybe, just maybe, people will start to believe that you are sincerely apologetic.  If you can’t do that, then there should not be any reasonable expectation of forgiveness, nor should you expect your “apology” to be accepted.  People cannot accept what was never really given.

That’s all.

But, wait… There’s more!

Edited to add excerpt from my latest blog post:

An apology is more than saying, “I’m sorry.” None of the houseguests have acknowledged that they understand why people view them as bigots. They are, “Sorry IF,” they offended, but they aren’t “Sorry THAT,” they offended. In other words, they are sorry that we took what they said offensively, not that they were offensive. The apology also can’t be “narcissistically-tinged.” I don’t want to hear GM go on and on about how she is a positive, fun-loving person with a big heart because her own words have already greatly contradicted that. At that point, it’s time for me to stop listening because I know whatever follows is also going to be bullshit.

An apology that would showcase that GM understands the public’s outrage would look something like this:

“During my time in the Big Brother house, I ignorantly said many racially insensitive things. In my ignorance, I did not think about how my words would impact the millions of people who tune in to watch Big Brother each summer, nor did I consider the impact it would have on my family and friends outside of the house, nor the Big Brother family, at large. I realize, now, that when I called Candice a crackbaby (because she’s biracial) and said that her mother didn’t love her, those words did not only hurt Candice and her family, but they also hurt anyone who has ever made the heart wrenching decision to place a child up for adoption and every child who has been placed for adoption. Especially minority children. Those comments did not have anything to do with playing the game of Big Brother, and for that, I would like to offer my heartfelt apologies to Candice, her family and anyone else upset by what I said. Furthermore, my use of the ‘N’ word is not acceptable under any circumstances. I am sorry that my behavior played such a big part in making Big Brother 15 an unpleasant experience for many of my fellow houseguests, as well as Big Brother viewers. I hope that in time I can make up for my behavior and earn back the respect that I lost by my own actions. Thank you for hearing me out.”

Of course, she would have to GM-ize the above, but you get the gist! LOL.

Big Brother Cast Needs Olivia PopeThe point is that none of them have actually apologized. They are more concerned with fighting off the label of “racist” than acknowledging that they understand why people believe that they are racist. Then again, it’s probably hard to acknowledge something that you honestly can’t comprehend. I’m actually kind of surprised that Aaryn’s PR people didn’t have something like the above prepared for Aaryn right when she got out of the house. They clearly aren’t of the Olivia Pope caliber! #justsaying

In the end, I hope that all of “The Offenders” have people in their lives who will give it to them straight. I am not very hopeful of that because this kind of ignorance tends to be bred at home and close minded people tend not to have close friends from backgrounds that differ from theirs. I don’t think, for instance, that GM will have anyone who will sit her down and explain to her why calling (black) people “niggers” is wrong and how hurtful it is.

But still… Here’s to hope….

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46 thoughts on “Big Brother 15 Apology Tour: Apologizing 101

  1. I have just finished copying(by hand) your entire article. You managed to articulate and explain ideas I have thought about for years -MANY years! I would encourage you to publish and I would purchase your first book. I will re-read your work many times and continue to grow from your words. Thank you for insight and for your talent to communicate.

      1. I applaud your communication skills and the accuracy of your analogy. HOW and WHERE do we post this for ALL the house guests and world to read? They just don’t get it, and I’m already sick of all the postings making it appear that the Brenchel/Elissa group and the McCrandaMafia, etc., etc., ad nausea……that they all want to keep the arguing going, instead of just being happy for each other and the new opportunities they are getting as a result of all the attention from the worst season in BB history! Come on people; what is wrong with you – the contest is over! Some of us HAD to vote because we had absolutely NO CHOICE but to go with the least ugly acting, although we were smart enough to see and hear that person’s nasty crap as well! NO WINNERS in BB15. Lots of bored and unhappy viewers though. ENJOY ALL our money we paid for the feeds CBS. GRRH, HISS, BOOH😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😜😜😜😜😜😜😜😜😜😜😜😜

      2. I would tweet it to them, but I doubt they will listen and I have tried to make it a point to keep it out of their mentions. lol Maybe they’ll come across it one day and reflect on it. The thing is that people like them are like that for a reason.

        As far as the rest, lol. Yes. It’s bad when you are like “man did I really waste 30 bucks on this.” Even though it’s just 30 bucks, you are like… I could have had a decent sushi dinner with that. lol. BB15 definitely was an experience not worth repeating. I wouldn’t watch any season that would invite back “The Offenders” as “all-stars.” So, I hope that never happens.

  2. VERY well written. I too wish the offenders would read this and understand. Now….I’m also angry that none of the articles I’ve read have nailed down Spencer and Andy for the horrible things they said about women……..(AND how they treated them.) They are getting a free pass for things said that should have angered more than half the population.

    1. You are right, they aren’t getting as much attention as the women. I think part of it is a psychological thing in that people are more accepting of bad men. Andy’s raging narcissism sort of flew under the radar, too, because he’s male and it is seen more as confidence. Another thing is that misogyny tends to be the one form of discrimination that is still sort of accepted. When you say something about race, it hits BOTH sexes, but when it’s misogyny, it only hits women.

  3. I agree with everything except for this part.
    “Saying that people can’t relate because they weren’t in the house isn’t going to fly when there are FOURTEEN other seasons of live feeds to fall back on. ”

    A lot of people that watched this season did NOT watch the first handful of live feeds. There was a lot of shitty stuff said on previous seasons,but because websites like TMZ and tumblr didn’t exist,people who didn’t watch the show didn’t know about it or hear about it ever. It was sensationalized this season and got picked up by the media and brought in a lot of viewers simply for the racism allegations alone. Im not saying you’re not right about everything else,and that these people shouldn’t be called out. I just think it’s hypocritical that a lot of people on past seasons get a pass,and are basically glorified by fans of the show,when they made similar if not equally disgusting comments. People post gifs and reaction pictures and quotes from these people while simultaneously calling out the current HG’s. The irony is staggering. And Im going to HAVE to assume these fans did not watch the livefeeds of past seasons. Im not going to say names. Those people know who they are. And it’s sad that CBS and other networks continue to employ,promote and invite them to all of their events when they’re just as pathetic and vile as the houseguests were this season. I guess this is a little tl;dr and off topic on my part,which I apologize for. I just get really annoyed when people insinuate that this kind of behavior is new and a bigger deal now than it was on past seasons. The difference between this season and others,is that the MAJORITY of houseguests said and did shitty things,as opposed to only 4 or 5 on other seasons,and that the media magnified it for ratings and scandal. Which is really sad,to be honest. Your post is relevant to how people SHOULD be discussing race and race relations. Most of the posts and articles however,are mere exploitation by non POC’s with the intent to white knight and look as if the majority white media actually cares about racism. Which,sorry,but it doesn’t. I even question Julie Chen for her non reaction to Amanda’s racism. She didn’t lay into Amanda and confront her directly like she did with Aaryn. She didn’t complain to TMZ about Amanda. TMZ didn’t report on the things Amanda said,or dig up pictures of her past and post them on their website with ~snarky~ commentary. Amanda,like past houseguests,has truly gotten a pass for the things she said. For whatever reason,whether it be that she has worked for CBS and has other connections,or whether she gets a past for being a ~kind of,but not really, minority~. She may get called out by fans on twitter,but she didn’t get called out by the man. Which makes me think ~the man~ couldn’t actually care less about the racism. So shame on Julie,and shame on CBS for using racism as a ratings booster and then only confronting TWO racists out of a handful. Racism is only racism when it’s convenient for the white saviors it seems.

    1. Well, when I say that it wasn’t like this the previous 14 seasons, I meant that you didn’t have half of the house being that nasty and vile. There absolutely have been other offensive HGs in the past, but it’s a lot easier to accept 1 or 2 people than a half a dozen people sitting around CONSTANTLY bashing, demonizing, berating, and putting down their fellow HGs down. All of that negativity has a negative effect on people’s emotions. Some days, watching the live feeds, legitimately depressed me. When all of the racist stuff was being said, my blood pressure literally went up. That’s the part that I think they don’t get and part of the reason their apologies feel empty. They don’t fully understand the impact watching them had on people.

    2. And I agree with you regarding the way CBS handled this. They picked Aaryn as “The Racist” and let BOTH Amanda and GM slide on their racism. Aaryn is a convenient pick as the pretty blue-eyed blonde from the south. GM and Amanda are from NY. Watching Julie Chen be so nice to that duo was just disgusting to me. Either she really had no problem with Aaryn or she is just a complete puppet to CBS. I mean, she’s married to the damn president of the company. If she really wanted to speak out against the other HGs vile comments, she would have. So, it just ends up being about money. They didn’t want the masses to know just how racist this cast was this year.

  4. Amanda has apolgized without conditions so many times on a 2,5hr podcast , on twitter , what more can she do ? People just have to either accept it or leave it. She knew she made bad jokes and owns up to her crap all the time unlike others. Yet people still demand apology after apology and i get the feeling it will never be enough no matter what she says.

    1. You’re right. It probably won’t ever be enough. I have no reason to believe that anything that comes out of her mouth in leu of apologizing is sincere. Sorry. It’s obvious that she has a lot of issues related to insecurity and a generally selfish mindset. Anybody who says and does the things that she did does NOT change in a month’s time. I don’t care if she apologizes anymore than I care that GM and Aaryn apologized. My problem was that she wasn’t confronted the way Aaryn was. I want to know what it was about her that gave her a pass to not be accurately held accountable. I want to know why TMZ had Aaryn plastered all over their site alone(with the exception of Spencer’s child pornography joke). I want to know why Parker,who works for TMZ,only called out GM. I want to know why Julie didn’t complain all over her show and to TMZ about Amanda,the way she did about Aaryn. I want to know why the only thing she was confronted about was her one week “bullying” rampage against Elissa,and then when she laughed THAT off,Julie moved on to her and Mccrae’s relationship. I want to know why Amanda got an extremely good white savior edit up until the last 2 weeks she was on the show. It doesn’t add up. Why should anyone believe her when she wasn’t even being questioned with the exception of a few youtube posters and tumblr bloggers,to begin with? Aaryn makes me angry enough,but Amanda makes me physically ill because it’s obvious that she’s an entitled brat that’s used to getting her way. And it makes me question the integrity of any person who calls out one or two people,and lets someone else fly under the radar. Because that’s what Julie did. Money talks. Either Julie was told not to mention these things to Amanda,or she just decided it wasn’t as big of a deal when Amanda said and did disgusting things that were as bad,if not worse than Aaryn. So either way,Julie showed that racism is perfectly fine if you’re friends with people behind the scenes,or if you can pay your way out of situations,or if you happen to be a psuedo minority. THAT is why it doesn’t matter if Amanda apologizes. She wasn’t put in a confrontational position to have to own up to the things she did in the first place. And twitter doesn’t count,by any means. Julie didn’t confront her. The media didn’t confront her. CBS didn’t confront her. POC are for some reason refusing to direct an equal amount of disdain towards her as they have other houseguests. Im assuming it’s because a lot of them only watched the edited,hyperscandalized and censored show,rather than the live feeds. And because CBS gave her a white savior edit,they are partly responsible for the lackluster amount of anger and disgust that should have been directed her way.

      1. Amanda actually said on live feeds that she knew that CBS wouldn’t air her racist comments about Candice they day she was calling Candi’s hair greasy and nappy. She definitely has/had some kind of in with production.

    2. I heard that one sided “love fest” you call and interview. Amanda blamed everyone and everything for her actions. “I was having my period”, Jessie “checked out Mccrae, that’s why I fought with her” (btw, That is a very insecure thought.. Did she think Mc would respond?) “EVERYONE” was jealous of her and Mccrae’s relationship. She went on and on with the same delusional statements. I don’t hate her but she was given an interview by people who obviously idolize her. She did have some valid and insightful things to say.

      1. lol See, this is why I don’t want to listen to that podcast. That sounds 100% like her. As far as having insightful things to say, she talks so much that she is bound to slip up and say something intelligent once in a while. :p

    3. Amanda’s apologies, IMO, do seem more sincere than the rest. She only seems to apologize for what she actually feels remorse about. What a concept. If she’s not sorry, she doesn’t say it. She might be cocky. She might be a tad deluded, but she’s authentic. I can appreciate that.

      1. Yea. This entry was prior to the podcast and I honestly haven’t heard it. Did she say anything about her comments about killing other HGs and the Jessie rape/murder convo?

      2. Are you people CRAZY???? Did you watch the Live Feeds? Did you even watch the ‘very well edited’ program as it aired? These people do NOT care one hoot about ANYTHING that they said. There isn’t ONE of them whose apologies I would even lay down as a bottom layer on my cat’s litter box. They do NOT care!! While a person just ‘might’ take an ‘aside comment’ as ‘racial’ and be able to ‘forgive’, HELL NO!!!! Not when it continues on and on and on ad nausium!!! Folks are saying: “Move on. The season is over. Forget it.” Ah….NO!!!! During the airing of this season, it was the 50th anniversary of the bombing of a Baptist Church where four innocent Sunday School girls were slaughtered by just the same ilk as this. NEVER FORGET!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    4. If you considered that an apology you don’t know what an apology is. Amanda made excuses for her comments. “They were jokes. I’M NOT RACIST! I can’t be racist, I’m Jewish!” She went on there defending herself against racist allegations, not apologizing for saying racist things. She refers to the people who call her out on it as “haters” which is immature deflection of responsibility. She gave herself a pass, comparing herself to shock comics whose material is also deeply problematic. Amanda is not sorry, she’s soaking up the attention and holding up examples of people who are also gross and bigoted to normalize her own behavior.

      Your last sentence is exactly what she said. She’s given up on trying to get forgiveness before she even tried. Throwing up her arms saying, “Nobody will forgive me anyways! Might as well ignore the learning experience that could’ve come from this and keep doing what I’m doing.”

      Saying sorry isn’t ever good enough when you don’t mean it and don’t grow from it.

    1. Hardly. Please don’t misunderstand what I wrote as being pro Aaryn in any way. That’s obviously not the case. My problem is with the lack of criticism and outright editing in the media when it comes to Amanda. It proves that they actually don’t care about racism,and were only exploiting it to get ratings and traffic to their websites. Don’t misconstrue. Aaryn and GM deserve every ounce of shit that gets thrown their way. But Amanda needs to be held responsible too.

  5. Hey Krazilia!! Another fabulous one and this issue more than previous seasons, really has struck a nerve with me. Obviously, there is a lot more to feel contrite about from this cast of losers, um, I mean, HG’s, so I was anxious to hear what they would say in the post-season interviews. I thought, like previous seasons, they would express sincere remorse for their comments and interact positively with BB fans and all would be forgiven. Not at all, not even close!

    Of course, we got the ubiquitous, “it was taken out of context.” “It was the editing.” And for the millionth time, fans have to remind them via twitter or wherever, LIVE FEEDS AREN’T EDITED!

    Then, my biggest pet peeve this season, which you may have seen me tweet about several times, and you covered here as well, the infamous “IF” word. This drives me crazy and I wasn’t sure other people were seeing it/feeling it. Andy, GM, Aaryn and Spencer all said, “If I said anything that offended you…” Not IF! YOU KNOW YOU DID! That has already been well established. Stop saying IF. That puts the responsibility back on the viewers as if this is some gray, subjective area. As if to say, I said these comments. If YOU took it the wrong way, I’m sorry. As if there is some facet of the population out there that wasn’t offended. No, everyone was offended. If they saw the live feeds, and they have a heart beating inside their body, and they aren’t a racist, trust me, they were offended. So there is no IF. Please remove that word from all future apologies. (Yeah, right)

    Next, “in the heat of the moment.” I heard Andy say that several times. Sunshine, most of your sickest comments were said the last two weeks of the house. Elissa was gone. THERE WAS NO HEAT OF THE MOMENT! That was just Andy being a little BITCH! Everyone calls him a rat (true story) but truly, the one adjective that incapsulates his personality in the BB house was bitch! He was Amanda’s bitch. He was a bitch when he sat around trash-talking everyone and most especially, he’s a bitch in real life on twitter!

    Which brings me to my final point. Why did Andy make the apology tour with all these fakeass apologies and regrets, only to slither his drunken self on twitter and tell Amanda he misses trashing all the HG’s with her. Now, I like to think I have a healthy sense of humor. Maybe if that comment was made 6 months from now, people would find it funny (maybe). But when you’re trying to act sincere and show you truly feel bad for what you’ve said, why go on twitter and tell everyone you miss it? Why be so damn snarky in all your tweets? It turns all those apologies into a giant “fuck you” to the readers/viewers. If you aren’t sorry, and clearly you aren’t, don’t say it! Just own the bitch-self that you are and carry on.

    I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again, Andy dresses like a 4 year old, eats like a 4 year old and seeks negative attention like a 4 year old. These fake apologies and then his passive-aggressive behavior on twitter is so ridiculous. I know he’s drunk. He’s already admitted that, but he’s acting like a total jackhole.

    They were piles of crap inside the house and clearly, that was not for strategic purposes. We just got an accurate glimpse of their true personalities. How sad for them. They could have come out of the house with genuine remorse and been gracious and shown humility. These adjectives are completely foreign to this group of degenerates. Really disappointing.

    SORRY SO LONG! I need to stay off the internet after my morning espressos! LOL

    Thanks again!!! LOVE your blogs! Love you! 💕💋

    1. lol. I am the last person to ever complain about a long entry. lmao! It does feel better to get all of this stuff off of your chest. You are soooooooooooo right about Andy. OMG. If he wasn’t smart enough to realize he couldn’t let his narcissism and megalomania shine through, his narcissism would not have flown under the radar as much as it did. With Amanda, she found it particularly gleeful to tell people they were leaving and telling them that it’s because she said so, that it happened. lol She still doesn’t seem to get that that wasn’t a good idea if she actually wanted to WIN the game. Even now she brags about running the house when her ass was ran out in the top 7! lol Yea, so these people are a trip.

    2. WOW! You have said everything ‘WE’ all are thinking. Andy Herren seems to be reveling in his bitch mode thus proving HE IS WHAT HE WAS, so to speak! I cannot stand him thinking it is humorous or amusing bragging about his constant RICH and DRUNKEN state. We are trying for FORGET wasting all our summer watching these jerks while praying they would grow up, and be somebody! URGH

  6. Honestly IDK why people care so much about these peoples apologys. I mean this article makes you look very obsessed with people who were on a fricken tv show that you dont even know. Ok they dont care what type of apology they give in their mind they gave the right apology and their not going to care if he was sincere to some people or not. The only people who care are mental case fans like you. The show is over move on with your life, they have and if people like you keep obsessing with stupid sh*t like this then they are going to come out looking like the better person and your going to end up looking like an idiot. Game is over move on get a life. They have and so should you.

    1. I find it ironic that your comment is about telling people to move on regarding a topic you, yourself, are clearly interested in. This is exhibited by the fact that you clicked on the link and read the entry in the first place. I will admit I am mildly obsessed with things like this, as I am with the overall observation of human beings and our behavior. I have a particular interest in social issues and psychology so those are the things that I talk about. In the end, this blog entry was sparked by people not understanding why people won’t just “accept the HGs apologies.” The purpose was to explain MY personal observations of why people don’t find their apologies sincere. It’s simply my opinion. Clearly, you disagree with it and that’s fine. That’s life. Enjoy yourself!

  7. Aaryn needs professional help because its not just her racism which is a problem its but her hating white people and anyone she can’t stand it when people are happy. Aaryn will turn to crime and kill someone. if Aaryn will be the next George Zimmerman.

    1. lol i don’t know about all of that, BUT, her problem is deeper than just racism/bigotry. Yes, she is a bigot because she thinks she’s superior to minorities, BUT, she also generally thinks she is superior to to her people – period.

      As I posted in another blog, I think she has a personality disorder and there is nothing you can do to change that.

      https://krazilialove.wordpress.com/2013/09/19/has-big-brother-15s-aaryn-gries-really-learned-her-lesson/

    2. Mike, Legally speaking, NOT smart to be making such predictions for Aaryn, OR comparing her in the same sentence with George Zimmerman’s case. Take a chill pill fella……

  8. Maybe Julie got in trouble for saying something to Aaryn and that’s why she didn’t say anything to the rest of the houseguests. I know when she called Aaryn out people were either strongly for or or strongly against it.

    1. “Maybe Julie got in trouble for saying something to Aaryn and that’s why she didn’t say anything to the rest of the houseguests.”
      Unfortunately,I highly doubt that is the case at all. She complained about Aaryn literally since week two. On her talk show,to TMZ etc. CBS knew she was going to confront Aaryn,as she had been implying she would the whole season. It was a copout on her part to not set Amanda straight. And Amanda had a certain edit on the actual show. We saw what happened on the livefeeds. None of that was shown even ONCE on the actual show. We’re not just talking about the week they showed her being mean to precious princess Elissa. Im talking about her being literally racist and misogynistic. Like I said,there was something going on that we don’t know. Im pretty sure it’s because of Amanda’s connections with the producers. Which is why she gets so defensive and both she and her dad keep making jokes about being ~married to the producers.~ They think it’s cute and funny. It obviously worked in her favor,regardless. But..whatever. The show is over,and there’s not much that can be done now. CBS had a chance to confront racism,and they didn’t. Julie also had a chance to confront racism,but chose to cut off an arm of the monster instead of the head. Their 15 minutes will be over soon,and I don’t wish them any success in anything they do in the future. If they give Amanda employment opportunities at CBS(I have a feeling they will),Im assured that whatever it is will fail and go down in flames. Apparently she doesn’t have a reputation for actually being good at anything she attempts to do.

  9. Slow clap.

    I can’t believe Aaryn’s family is paying people to fix her image and she still hasn’t given a sincere apology and is acting like that on twitter. Are you for real? Aaryn’s getting ripped off tbqh.

    1. I welcome all comment that aren’t spam. 😀 It’s entirely possible that people can turn out racist even if they didn’t grow up in in a racist environment, it’s just really rare. It’s more likely for people, who grow up in a racist home, to NOT turn out racist than it is for people, who grow up in a NON racist home, to turn out racist.

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