After facing brutal backlash from hundreds of thousands of Big Brother devotees, GinaMarie embarks on a quest of self-awareness and spiritual enlightenment. She signs up for a two week retreat and seminar to be hosted by Madam Guru Francine Stardust. The seminar is entitled, Today’s Introspection is Tomorrow’s Deep Reflection: The Jagged Road to the Earth’s Answers to Deep Spirituality and Self-Awareness– The Don’t Be A Sociopath Seminar and Retreat. As Seen on TV!
-WARNING: VULGAR LANGUAGE AHEAD-
The seminar takes place out in the woods somewheres, which means that GM has to sleep in a tent and without the benefit of Nick’s Bed for the first time since stealing it from the Big Brother house.
DAY 1 – Self-awareness Seekers are circled around a campfire, each kneeling on colorful, psychedelic pillows that look like they may have been made out of Andy’s wardrobe. GinaMarie is sandwiched in between a frail old man and Nick’s Hat. Nick’s Hat has its own pillow.
Madam Guru stands in the center of the circle. She addresses her attendees.
MADAM GURU: Good evening fellow spiritual planeswalkers! My name is Madam Guru Francine Stardust, but you may simply call me Madam Guru!
::GM NUDGES THE FRAIL OLD MAN SITTING BESIDE HER AND WHISPERS LOUDLY::
GM: She’s not like no madam I eva fucking met, yous know what I’m saying, bro?!!?!
::THE OLD MAN GIVES A SHAKY NOD AND PULLS HIMSELF BACK ON THE PILLOW::
::MADAM GURU SMILES AT GM::
MADAM GURU: Please open up your inner being, GinaMarie, and do cleanse the foul language from your soul! Such language is but the idiot’s tool of engaging in a losing battle of wits against verbal tomfoolery.
GM: What the fuck, yo! Whos yous calling a idiot, bro?
::MADAM GURU BRISTLES::
MADAM GURU: Certainly not you, my dear. I am simply suggesting that you shed that layer of putridity so that you may allow room for goodness and light to wrap you up in its warm, loving embrace. I promise you, it is tranquility in its purest form!
::GM FURROWS HER EYEBROWS::
GM: Why the fuck do yous get to make up fucking words, and I can’t, bro?
::MADAM GURU’S SMILE TIGHTENS::
MADAM GURU: Um… Continuing on with the introduction… It is important for each and every one of you to know that the path to enlightenment is not an easy one. It is imperative that you do not treat the next several days as a mundane task that simply must be completed on your journey to achieving nirvana.
GM: Nirvana??? Wait a fucking minute, bro… Is this some kinda fucking cult, yo? Because, I didn’t sign up to come to the fucking sticks with all these fucking hippies and mosquitoes and bugs and shit, just to fucking off myself like I’m fucking Kurt Cocaine, bro… There’s probably some damn fucking cockaroaches around here too, yo… And, Imma tells yous right now, bro, if there’s some fucking bigfoots out here… I’m fucking bashing yo face in! I don’t fucks with bigfoots, bro!
::MADAM GURU TAKES A DEEP BREATH::
The other Self-awareness Seekers fidget!
MADAM GURU: Nirvana is simply a state of being…
GM: What the fuck, yo? Nirvana ain’t no fucking state, bro! It’s a fucking band from Washington, DC!
::GM NUDGES THE OLD MAN AGAIN. HARDER.::
GM: What the fuck wes paying this fucking broad for, yo?
::MADAM GURU IGNORES GM AND TRIES TO CONTINUE::
MADAM GURU: While here, you will all learn how to pool the ENTIRETY of your souls’ essences into, what I call, a Spirit Well Collective–
GM: … What the fuck, yo…
MADAM GURU: …Once full, this spirit well will take us on a journey through the Tunnel of Desolate Fear and guide us into the Valley of Chaotic Awakening. Awaiting our arrival?? MOTHER GODDESS, herself! Our one, TRUE goddess will take us by the bosom and —
Self-awareness Seekers frown.
GM: What if yous a man, yo? What fucking tits she’s gonna be grabbing on then, bro?
::THE OLD MAN FINALLY MAKES IT BACK ON HIS PILLOW::
::MADAM GURU FIGHTS OFF GRITTING HER TEETH AND CONTINUES…::
MADAM GURU: …and she will guide us through the final leg of our expedition! At the end of this magnificent trek through, what I like to call, “spiritual fondue,” glistening GLORIOUSLY at the exit of Bliss’s Passageway—
GM: Fucking Amanda said fucking ‘glorious’ all the fucking time, yo. It’s like buy a fucking vowel or sastaurus or something, bro!
::MADAM GURU GRITS::
MADAM GURU: … at the end of this passageway will be the purest SUNSHINE INFUSED honey you’ve ever seen! Found only between the luscious realm of heaven and the moist realm earth, we will bathe our souls in this celestially succulent honey and heaven’s dew—
GM: Yo!!!! Fucking Candice SUCKED at that honey challenge, bro! I FUCKING HATE THAT CUNT, YO!! Talking about she was some fucking kinda cheerleading Miss fucking America, Miss fucking Louisiana, pageant fucking queen. Fuck that bitch, yo! I could fucking beat her with BOTH my legs fucking chopped the fuck off and my fucking eyes punched into my fucking skulls, yo!!
::GM CACKLES AND LOOKS AT THE OLD MAN. HE BRACES HIMSELF::
::MADAM GURU COUNTS TO TEN::
::MADAM GURU SMILES. HARD. HER TOP LIP DISAPPEARS!!::
Some… or all… of the self-awareness Seekers look like they are getting ready to bolt…
MADAM GURU: Perhaps this retreat is not the best option for you at this time, GinaMarie… Maybe… it would be best for us to set up one on one counseling sessions… Back in the city…
GM: FUCK YOUS, BRO! Yous knows I won’t be let back into fucking Staten Island until The fucking Board fucking approves it, yo!!
OLD MAN: Wha-at’s… The… Board? Are you… some… kind… of vio..lent… criminal…? I didn’t… know… I’d be.. up here with… dan..gerous… parolees… I’m just look…ing… for… a cure… This is… my last.. hope…
GM: What the fuck, bro! Yous talk as slow as fucking Elissa, yo! What are yous, some kind of fucking retardo, fucking autist—
MADAM GURU: GINAMARIE!!!! GET!!!! OUT!!!!!!!!!!
GM: GET OUT OF WHAT, BRO? WES ALREADY FUCKING OUTSIDE, YO!
LATER, Day 1 – GinaMarie leaves the retreat.
Well, at least she tried, yo…
Next… Spencer has dinner with “Marilyn” and her “Folks…”