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Post Big Brother 15: Fly on the Wall

With the Big Brother 15 finale right around the corner, I know that many of us wish that we could be a fly on the wall when several of the cast members find out just what the public thinks of them. For those of us who have suffered through the last three months of live feeds, it has been abundantly clear that this cast collectively suffers from a form of delusion that would probably stump most experts in the field of psychology. I cannot count how many times I’ve sat with my mouth hanging open as I listened to these idiots talk about America’s perception of them and how awesome they all are.  To say that they aren’t remotely in the ballpark is an understatement.

Sadly, since we are not shapeshifters like that Sam Merlotte on the True Blood, we cannot be that fly on the wall. So, to appease myself, I have written a “script” of how the Post Big Brother 15 “briefing” will go. ENJOY!

–BEWARE: VULGAR LANGUAGE AHEAD–

Big Brother 15 Post Season Cast Meeting

PRODUCER: Before we allow you all back out into the wild, we need to go over… uh… a few things.

::CAST NODS, SMILING ENTHUSIASTICALLY::

PRODUCER: First of all, we would like to thank you all for giving our ratings a nice little boost this summer. People just could not stop talking about you!

::CAST WHOOPS IT UP, HIGH FIVING ONE ANOTHER::

PRODUCER: Of course…. sss-some of you were more talked about than others…

GM: Yea, bro! WE’RE FUCKING AWESOME, YO!

ANDY: I bet they loved me! I’m, like, SO personable!

SPENCER:  Now Marilyn’s family will HAVE to accept me!

HELEN: I’M A MOM! REPRESENTING MOMS ALL OVER THE GLOBE!

Big Brother 15 Judd Dancing::JUDD DOES THE JUDD DANCE::

PRODUCER: Uh, yea… Before we go any further, how many of you have actually watched our Live Feeds in the past?

::CAST, CRICKETING::

PRODUCER:  Riiiight… Thought so. Well, you all are familiar with social media and YouTube, right?

::CAST, DUHING::

PRODUCER: Uh… Would you happen to be familiar with the process of recording video from live feeds and uploading it to YouTube and clicking the share to Twitter button?

::GM’S BRAIN ZAPS::Big-Brother-15-Feeds-2416

::SPENCER SCRATCHES HIS BALLS::

::MCCRAE GULPS::

::AARYN LOOKS NAUSEOUS::

PRODUCER: Well, let’s just say that hours and hours and hours of live feed footage from this season has been uploaded to YouTube and shared across various social media platforms.

HELEN: AWESOME! Are there any videos about the MOMTOURAGE?

PRODUCER: Well, Kind of… not exactly, no…The Turd Herd Exterminators Extermifloaters

ANDY: How about the Exterminators? WE’RE THE BEST ALLIANCE EVER! Better than THE BRIGADE!

PRODUCER: Hahaha-ahem. I mean, there have been a few… satiric videos about you…

GM: SHUT UP! They are doing satar about US, bro??

PRODUCER: There is no such thing as a satar.

GM: Oh, so now yous tryna make me look fucking dumb in fronta Nick???

::GM WAVES NICK’S HAT AT THE PRODUCER::

::NICK HIDES BEHIND SPENCER::

PRODUCER: It would be impossible for me to “make you look dumb.”

JUDD: Whatdidtheythinkaboutme?

PRODUCER: What?

JUDD: Whatdidthey thinkabout me?

PRODUCER: They loved you–

Big-Brother-15-Feeds-AmandaAMANDA: I FUCKING KNEW HE WAS MVP!

PRODUCER: Judd was NEVER MVP.

MCCRAE: I FUCKING KNEW IT!

ANDY: Who was MVP?

PRODUCER: Aaah-mer…

::PRODUCER LOOKS AT AMANDA, STEAM ESCAPES HER EARS::

PRODUCER: Uh…  HHHow about we start from the beginning? When I call out your name, please step forward.

::CAST LOOKS AROUND ALL LIKE, WTF, IS THIS AMERICAN IDOL?::

PRODUCER: Aaryn, GinaMarie, Amanda, Spencer.

GM: FUCKING YEAH, BRO!

PRODUCER: This will not be easy to hear so I am just going to give it to you straight. Pretty much the entire country hates the four of you. They, uh… believe that you all are a bunch of ignorant racists, bigots, perverts and bullies who could not wait to get the very few racial minorities out of the house as soon as humanly possible. And… Uh… As a result, some of you may, or may not, have lost jobs and/or representation from various agencies.

::AARYN PASSES OUT::

::CANDICE SMIRKS::

::ELISSA LAUGHS::

::SPENCER SCRATCHES HIS BALLS::

AMANDA: But, I’m JEWISH! I can say those fucking things! How could ANYONE think that I’M racist?! It just doesn’t make any sense! You all told me you wouldn’t fucking air the racist stuff I said about Candice! It doesn’t any make sense! Everyone is supposed to fucking love ME! I’M the hottest one in the house! Howard wants MY pussy! It doesn’t make any sense! It just doesn’t make any sense! I KNOW EVERYONE FUCKING LOVES ME! IT DOESN’T MAKE ANY FUCKING SENSE! I’M THE PRODUCER’S PET! I’M THE FAVORITE ONE! I’M THE SPECIAL ONE! AMERICA. LOVES. ME!!!!

PRODUCER: America voted you as the MVP nominee twice.

::AMANDA EXPLODES INTO CLOUD OF ASH AND SMOKE (A SCENT OF SULFUR LINGERS BEHIND…): :

PRODUCER:  Well… That’s convenient.

Elissa Big Brother 15

JESSIE: Fuck you Amanda! I FUCKING HATE YOU!

ELISSA: Ewwww, grooooss, I have Amanda all over me!

::GM SHAKES NICK’S HAT AT THE PRODUCER::

GM: Wait a fucking second, here, yo. Are yous saying dat peeps don’t, like, LOVE me, bro?

PRODUCER: Yes… And, parents are mortified that they ever let you anywhere near their children.big brother gm nick shrine

GM: FUCK DAT, BRO! FUCK YOUS AMERICA! I gots alls I fucking needs right here, bro. I gots my fucking weave, I gots my fucking blonde hair dye, I gots my fucking soda, I gots my fucking Nick Hat, I gots my fucking Nick Bed, that I drug from outta the house, here, and I gots my fucking Nick right here, in the flesh, bro! Yo, Nick, you ready to get the fuck outta here, bro?

PRODUCER: He escaped while you weren’t looking.

::WAVING NICK’S HAT IN THE AIR, GM RUNS OUT OF ROOM, SCREAMING NICK’S NAME::

CANDICE: I TOLD that psycho that Nick would never want her in real life! BYE, BOO!

HELEN: Well, that means that America loves the rest of us, right?

PRODUCER: Shut the fuck up Helen.

HELEN: Well, that seems a bit uncalled for…

PRODUCER: No, I mean, the hash tag #STFUHelen was quite popular on twitter…  It trended a few times.

STFUHelen Big Brother 15 Helen

HELEN: WHAT? No one would tell me to shut up! I AM A MOM!

PRODUCER: No one cares.

::HELEN LOOKS FAINT::

PRODUCER: Please don’t fall on Aaryn… Oh, what the hell? GM has already caused our insurace premiums to skyrocket.

Big Brother 15 RAT AndyANDY: What did America think about ME? I mean, I, like, KNOW that I would have gotten fan favorite if Brenchel’s Army had not voted for fucking Elisssssah! What did I get, like, 2nd place???

Producer: America hates you more than they hate the racists. (true story) They call you Ratboy and WAHndy. I think that has to do with all of that snitching and “crying” you did in the house.

::EYES BULGING, ANDY’S HANDS FLY TO THE SIDES OF HIS HEAD::

ANDY: WHAT?! NO! That’s IMPOSSIBLE! I’m so quirky and loveable and the guy that EVERYONE wants to be friends with! I’m, like, SO personable! And SO funny!  I’m SUCH a good persoooon!

PRODUCER: You’re shitting me, right?

ANDY: OH MY FUCKING GAAAAAWD! I’M GOING TO SLIT MY FUCKING THROOOOAT!

::PRODUCER MUTTERS – “PROMISES PROMISES.”::

::SPENCER SCRATCHES HIS BALLS::

JUDD: AtleastIknowthatAmerica lovesme!

PRODUCER: Huh? Oh… yea, well, “loved,” would probably be a better word… Between refusing to work with the women in the house and you calling them cunts, sluts and bitches, people kind of got the idea that you kind of hate women. Even that worn out, overplayed bear shirt could not save you from that perception…

::JUDD TURNS RED::Judd Bear shirt

JUDD: BUTILOVEWOMEN!

PRODUCER: You should have saved Elissa.

JUDD: BUTIHATEELISSA!

PRODUCER: I wouldn’t say that out in public, if I were you…

ELISSA: HA!

JUDD: MANFUCKTHAT! FUCKAMERICA! I. QUIT!

PRODUCER: Little too late for that, buddy…

::MCCRAE CRASHES TO THE FLOOR::

PRODUCER: What the…?

MCCRAE: I’m OK. My spine just gave out from all of this damn standing around.

::SPENCER SCRATCHES HIS BALLS::

PRODUCER: Speaking of weak spines, it should come as no surprise to you that America thinks you are pussy whipped, despite the fact that you never actually appeared to want Amanda’s pussy when she was offering it up. Some think that you were…kind of, maybe… raped…? But… that’s your issue to work out…

MCCRAE: Like, I dunno, I thought that, like, I dunno, PRODUCTION would like, I dunno, SAVE ME! I mean, I, like, I dunno, KEPT saying, like, NO!!!!! I dunno… But, like, I dunno, YOU GUYS DID, like, NOTHING to help me! So, like, I dunno…

PRODUCER: I am sure that there are support groups… for finding a vocabulary.

::MCCRAE FALLS ASLEEP:::

PRODUCER: Right… Despite the fact that this season is generally regarded as the worst season in Big Brother history, spanning across all seven continents, the rest of you are pretty much OK. People hardly remember that you were King Douchebag Bully, Jeremy, and when I talk about David, most people are all like, “Who?” Kaitlin, maybe you should have hopped on Judd’s dick instead of Jeremy’s, but, hindsight, right?  Howard, Jessie, Candice and Elissa, the public pretty much loves you, but it’s hard to tell if that is because you were the few decent people in the house or if you all are actually awesome, but hey, that’s life, right?

::CAST MUMBLES IN RESPONSE::

PRODUCER: Yea, so if you all need anything going forward, please do me a favor and don’t bother calling me. ADIOS! God willing, I’ll never see you again!

—————————————————-

And, THAT, ladies and gents, about wraps up how I feel about this entire season! Thanks for reading and have a great weekend. PEACE!

Follow me on the twitter: @KraziliaLove

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49 thoughts on “Post Big Brother 15: Fly on the Wall

      1. lol thanks. yea, it’s so much more that could be added, but it kept getting longer and longer and longer and i was like “people are going to stop reading” lol so i kind stuck to the HGs that ppl reeeeally didn’t like

    1. OMG! Brilliant! Spectacular! Thank you for giving us exactly what we all really wanted to hear after this season. You were dead on. I hope that the producers hear/see this. They probably would want to know where the leak came from.

  1. very funny, well written.. should have included jeremy and david’s constant remark “i don’t want to be jewed by anyone”.. and then there’s the explicit details of what spencer wanted to do with his penis.. to elissa’s picture and mostly (in graphic detail) to jessie in person.. and the death threats, they’d sit around making detailed stories of how thye wanted to kill elissa and/or candy and laugh hysterically about these ideas..

    really loved this writing.. i skipped the videos (can’t stand will from last yr.. he’s an attention whore and played the game horribly).. but the writing was spot on!

    1. lol thanks. i didn’t want to make it too long because i didn’t want people to get bored and stop reading. i’ll have to do some “BB15: The Aftermath” satire so that I can include the other crazy stuff that went on. the wil video is pretty hilarious parody of both the VMAs and BB15 all wrapped in one lol but i understand!

  2. Love this, sums up the whole season !!! I wish I was watching you instead of all the bs i was reading in the live feed backs… Lets hook up when next season !!! I Just love ya !!

  3. I am such a BB Fan and honestly, you are so right about all of it. Great job! I hope someone tapes the reactions when these fools find out they lost thier jobs!!! Smh..

  4. Excellent! There has been so very little to laugh about this season on BB that this is a very welcome relief. I wish something like this would happen on finale night, along with an announcement that the first and second prizes were being given to charity. Alas, we will never see it happen but it is a pleasant daydream.
    Once again, thank you!

  5. That was laugh-out-loud funny. Funnier than the actual season. You have nailed every single person and put in person what I have been screaming at the television/computer screens.

  6. This was too funny and dead on…. I hope the entire cast see this and realize the shit they did. Great job can’t stop laughing .

  7. LMAOROTF It was that funny. The only thing is that you forgot to mention was that just about how many times that Spencer scratched his balls was probably just about as many times he also picked his nose. He was just so gross at everything and anything he did including the wearing food in his beard. You also forgot to mention about how many people really didn’t take showers nor change their clothes. I’m glad that I was not a HG in that house this summer. What a smelly place to be.

    1. lol. i know right! if i mentioned everything that annoyed us about the HGs this season, I would still be typing and by the time y’all read it, you’d think you were reading the lord of the rings trilogy. lmao

  8. Excellent! Loved every word. If there was a longer version that you edited down, would love to see that too.

    On a more serious note, really hope that all of them can learn from their mistakes and get the chance to rectify their actions…There has been some really ignorant statements and actions by previous casts, but I do believe that the public has really decided to pile on far more than they did other casts where some similar comments and more aggregious physical actions took place.

    1. I think anytime you have racism in the mix, it will get more attention than anything else. I also think that it was just really unbearable at times, on the live feeds, because there was so much ugliness. It was difficult to decide between watching for the things I did like – when they talked game, or did fun things like the Harlem Shake – or just not watching at all. I could not handle another season like this one. The stuff they were saying hurt MY feelings, and it wasn’t even directly about me. lol

      1. Fair enough. Fortunately(?) for me, AT&T did not carry the TV Guide Channel, so I couldn’t watch After Dark (which was enough for me in previous years) and had to live vicariously through those of you that sprung for the Live Feeds…regardless, really loved your satire! Pure
        Perfection.

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